trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.
Samuel McChord Crothers.
do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
and truth really don't have much to do with each other.
degree of one’s emotion varies inversely with one’s knowledge of
the facts - the less you know the hotter you get.
Generally the theories we believe we call facts, and the facts
we disbelieve we call theories.
facts are few, experts are many.
Donald R. Gannon.
facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
Science is true. Don't be misled by the facts.
is solidified opinion.
Nothing is so fallacious as facts, except figures.
the spirit of the age to believe that any fact, no matter how
suspect, is superior to any imaginative exercise, no matter how
not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying
to please everybody.
is no failure except in no longer trying.
Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may
have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call
"failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down.
Failure doesn't mean you are a failure... it just means you
haven't succeeded yet.
is a failure who is enjoying life.
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more
Failure changes for the better, success for the worse.
Lucius Annaeus Seneca.
is much to be said for failure. It is more interesting than
Beerbohm, Mainly on the Air.
is no comparison between that which is lost by not succeeding
and that which is lost by not trying.
not enough to succeed; others must fail.
doesn’t matter if you win or lose, until you lose.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Scepticism is the beginning of faith.
heard the survivors
colony of ants
had been partially
obliterated by a cow’s foot
intention of the gods
towards their civilization.
may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence
of the improbable.
is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
be so humble - you are not that great.
nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people,
they think it's their fault.
is a vapour; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty
FAMILY & HOME
family is a court of justice which never sits down for a night
Malcolm de Chazal.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family
in another city.
Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.
wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a
chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's
Third Wife Day.
family that sticks together should bathe more often.
man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dwelling unit, sweet dwelling unit.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets
worst vice of the fanatic is his sincerity.
Fanaticism consists in redoubling your effort when you have
forgotten your aim.
Fanaticism consists in redoubling your effort when you have
forgotten your aim.
don’t know that atheists should be regarded as citizens, nor
should they be regarded as patriotic. This is one nation under
George H.W. Bush.
Nothing is ever accomplished by being reasonable.
With Epcot Centre the
Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think
possible in today's world. They have created a land of
make-believe that's worse than regular life.
- P. J. O'Rourke.
is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes,
containing a fool and his wife who didn’t know enough to stay in
studying to be a gentleman farmer, he told me. I didn’t ask if
both subjects were compulsory.
person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.
de La Fontaine.
It protects fools, small children, and ships called Enterprise.
are thick where love is thin.
fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars but in ourselves.
William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar.
not of those faithful who praise all thy words and actions, but
those who kindly reprove thy faults.
my faults, but changing my tune is not one of them.
Samuel Beckett, The Unnameable.
morning is the dawn of a new error.
is a darkroom where negatives develop.
Usman B. Asif.
of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step
would carry us clear through them.
is the lengthened shadow of ignorance.
makes strangers of people who would be friends.
wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger,
but for deliverance from fear.
Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals.
fears something gives it power over him.
avoid mistakes and regrets, always consult your wife before
engaging in a flirtation.
myself I hold no preferences among flowers, so long as they are
wild, free, spontaneous. Bricks to all greenhouses! Black thumb
and cutworm to the potted plant!
a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a
bed, but fine against a wall.”
you have only two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf of bread
with one, and a lily with the other.
flower is the poetry of reproduction. It is an example of the
eternal seductiveness of life.
people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important
occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to
plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased
wandered lonely as a cloud
floats on high o'er vales and hills,
all at once I saw a crowd,
host, of golden daffodils;
the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze
Continuous as the stars that shine
twinkle on the milky way,
stretched in never-ending line
the margin of a bay:
thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
William Wordsworth, I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud, 1804
of men on airplanes. The minute a man reaches 30,000 feet, he
immediately becomes consumed by distasteful sexual fantasies
which involve doing uncomfortable things in tiny toilets. These
men should not be encouraged, their fantasies are sadly low-rent
and unimaginative. Affect an aloof, cool demeanour as soon as
any man tries to draw you out. Unless, of course, he’s the
Flying? I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage!
Hey, look at all those people down there - they look like ants.
They are ants - we haven’t taken off yet.
- Eric Morecambe and
wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
338171 (May I call you 338?)
Coward - in a letter to T.E. Lawrence (of Arabia) who had
retired from public life to become Aircraftsman Brown, 338171.
the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
plane will fly.
Donald Douglas, Douglas Aircraft Corporation.
scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are
composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
to myself, ‘Well, I’m strapping myself into the seat. Because if
I wasn’t strapped into this seat, there’s a very good
chance that I will fall out of this seat. If the plane
came to a sudden stop. Like against a mountain.
Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just
barely kill you.
Stanley (Northrop test pilot).
asked why he was referred to as 'Ace': "Because during World War
Two, I was responsible for the destruction of six aircraft,
fortunately three were enemy."
Captain Ray Lancaster, USAAF.
never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot).
Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled. Try not to imitate this
flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter - and therefore unsafe.
something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by
the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar
space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
three most dangerous things in aviation:
Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna
captains in a DC-9.
flight attendant with a chipped tooth.
it's ugly, it's British.
it's weird, it's French.
it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.
three worst things to hear in the cockpit:
1. The second officer says, "Damn it!"
2. The first officer says, "I have an idea!"
3. The captain say, "Hey, watch this!"
are only three things the co-pilot should ever say:
Nice landing, Sir.
I'll buy the first round.
I'll take the ugly one.
three most famous last words in aviation are: 1. Why is it doing
Where the hell are we?
pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them
a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is
your last flight in an airplane.
b. One day you will walk out to the airplane not knowing that it
is your last flight in an airplane.
Unknown Aircraft: “I’m fucking bored!”
Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
Unknown Aircraft: “I said I was fucking bored, not fucking
Traffic Control: “SAA 747, please identify yourself and give
height, position and speed.”
“I am Phinius, I am five foot six, I am sitting in the front and
I am going very, very fast.”
DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his
approach speed a little high.
Jose Tower: “American 751, turn right at the end of the runway,
if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit of Highway 101 and
make a right at the lights to return to the airport.”
three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and
a good bowel movement. A night carrier landing is one of the few
opportunities to experience all three at the same time.
better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind
and head into the ground.
remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be
held on a sunny day.
fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
can't fly forever without getting killed.
medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation
is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed.
that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.
only takes two things to fly: airspeed, and money.
only time you have too much fuel onboard is when you are on
DC10 is not all it's cracked up to be.
Orville was also Wright.
run out of altitude, air speed, & ideas at one time.
the difference between a pilot and a magneto?
all magnetos are retarded.
the difference between God and an airline pilot?
doesn’t think he’s an airline pilot.
the difference between a DC3 and a 747?
screws are better than four blow-jobs.
The Wright Brothers first flight at Kitty Hawk was lower and shorter than the height and length of a Boeing 747.
British Caledonian Flight BR279 will leave for Delhi at 17:30
hours. Pan American Flight PA234 for Los Angeles will leave at
17:40 hours. The Aer Lingus Flight to Dublin will leave when the
little hand is on the eight and the big hand is on the twelve.
FOOD, COOKING &
eating chocolate you feel godlike, as though you can conquer
enemies, lead armies, entice lovers.
High-tech tomatoes. Mysterious milk. Supersquash. Are we
supposed to eat this stuff? Or is it going to eat us?
Watermelon it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your
not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little
kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm the President of the
United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.
George Bush, US President.
real fact is that I could no longer stand their eternal cold
Cecil Rhodes, explaining why he had left his friends in England
and came to South Africa.
the head off a live bat the other night. It was a bit like
eating Crunchie wrapped in chamois leather.
Osborne, rock musician.
would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped
issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the
names of one or two things still safe to eat.
eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.
Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can't believe I
paid ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry.
child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or
laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would
turn over by themselves.
to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them
out of meat?
English contribution to world cuisine - the chip.
Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos.
(in its entirety) for boiled owl:
Take feathers off. Clean owl and put in cooking pot with lots of
water. Add salt to taste.
- The Eskimo Cookbook (1952).
make loon soup.
- "Valuable advice" from The Eskimo Cookbook (1952).
all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual "food"
out of eating an artichoke as you would from licking 30 or 40
happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast.
want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create
Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented
Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally
featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose,"
which is also sometimes called "grape sugar," and also because
"Grape Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross
Between Gerbil Food and Gravel," which is what it tastes like.
Everything I eat has been proved by some doctor or other to be a
deadly poison, and everything I don't eat has been proved to be
indispensable for life. But I go marching on.
George Bernard Shaw.
not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded -
He was a very valiant
man who first adventured on eating oysters.
- James I.
fruit and nuts. You are what you eat.
trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later
you're hungry again.
- Ogden Nash.
The local groceries are
all out of broccoli,
- Roy Blount.
Went into a French
restaurant and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He
said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a
- Tommy Cooper.
wife and I tried two or three times in the last forty years to
have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to
Vegetarians have wicked, shifty eyes and laugh in a cold,
calculating manner. They pinch little children, steal stamps,
drink water, favour beards.
Beachcomber (J.B. Morton).
Vegetarianism is harmless enough, though it is apt to fill a man
with wind and self-righteousness.
this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea,
please bring me some coffee.
meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for
most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years
she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal
has never been found.
not the sands of time get in your lunch.
not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.
does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing
on roofing material.
I simply cannot imagine why anyone would want to eat something
slimy served in an ashtray.
You do not sew with a fork, and I see no reason why you should
eat with knitting needles.
was a good cook, as cooks go; and as cooks go, she went.
Obesity is really widespread.
Joseph O. Kern.
Would you give me twenty-five pence for a sandwich, lady?
I don’t know - let me see the sandwich.
know on this one block you can buy croissants in five different
places? There’s one store called Bonjour Croissant. It makes me
want to go to Paris and open a store called Hello Toast.
were taken to a fast-food café where our order was fed into a
computer. Our hamburgers, made from the flesh of chemically
impregnated cattle, had been broiled over counterfeit charcoal,
placed between slices of artificially flavoured cardboard and
served to us by recycled juvenile delinquents.
second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the
second day, you’re off it.
food makes me sick.
do you prevent sagging?
Just eat until the wrinkles fill out?
balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
trust a thin chef.
Chemicals, n: Noxious substances from which modern foods are
didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
disease did cured ham actually have?
to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.
next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a
large trash can.
life is a conjunction of the verb ‘to eat’.
I haven’t eaten for three days.
My dear chap - you must force yourself!
eat more than you can lift.
gain weight in the wrong places - eat in good restaurants.
proper way to cook a cockatoo is to put the bird and an axehead
into a billy. Boil them until the axehead is soft. The cockatoo
is then ready to eat.
How do you like your eggs in the morning?
is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
people weren't meant to have midnight snacks, then why do they
put a light in the refrigerator?
just wouldn't be a picnic without the ants.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I ain’t going.
shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
four food groups: coffee, ice cream, beer and pizza.
boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
There’s a sucker born every minute.
was wrong - it's more like every 30 seconds.
less a person knows, the more he wants to tell it.
see clearly now, the brain is gone.
and his money are soon partying.
Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
Lyndon Baines Johnson.
Ford is so dumb that he can’t fart and chew gum at the same
Lyndon Baines Johnson.
A year ago Gerald Ford
was unknown throughout America. Now he’s unknown throughout the
Anon, quoted in the Guardian.
weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the
can make up a quarrel, but it will always show where it was
Edgar Watson Howe, Country Town Sayings.
Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge.
forgets where he buried the hatchet.
Frank McKinney "Kin" Hubbard, Abe Martin's Broadcast, 1930.
easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Stewart's Law of Retroaction.
FRANCE & THE FRENCH
has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these
drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed
would rather have a German division in front of me than a French
one behind me.
- General George S. Patton.
to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
- Norman Schwartzkopf.
stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.
- Marge Simpson.
as I'm concerned, war always means failure.
- Jacques Chirac, President of France.
as France is concerned, you're right.
- Rush Limbaugh.
only time France wants us (the USA) to go to war is when the
German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.
- Regis Philbin.
last time the French asked for "more proof" it came marching
into Paris under a German flag.
don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us
get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get
the Germans out of France!
- Jay Leno.
know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because
he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is
- Conan O'Brien.
do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of
its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs
than the Nazis?
important to remember that the French have always been there
when they needed us.
love the French. They taste like chicken!"
- Hannibal Lecter.
relatively small and eternally quarrelsome country in Western
Europe, fountainhead of rationalist political manias, militarily
impotent, historically inglorious during the past century,
democratically bankrupt, Communist-infiltrated from top to
William F. Buckley, Jr.
those French, they have a different word for everything!
gained by being in France was learning to be better satisfied
with my own country.
would have loved it – without the French.
French lying is simply talking.
UPI reported yesterday that the French Government announced that
it has raised its terror level from "run" to "hide". The only
two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate".
The raise was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed
one of France's white flag factories, disabling their military.
without France would be like .....World War II.
your right hand if you like the French..... raise both hands if
you are French.
POSSIBLE REPLACEMENTS FOR THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:
"Runaway" by Del Shannon,
"Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers,
"Running Scared" by Roy Orbison,
"I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards,
"Surrender" by Elvis Presley,
"Live and Let Die" by Wings,
"Leaving on a Jet Plane" by Paul Simon,
Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond,
"Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi.
are free and that is why you are lost.
can enjoy freedom unless he is willing to surrender some part of
sleep safe in your beds because rough men stand ready in the
night to visit violence on those who would do you harm.
must believe in free will: we have no choice.
Isaac Bashevis Singer.
people are free to do as they please they usually imitate each
society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
thumb with a hammer.
Hero-worship is strongest where there is least regard for human
must believe in free will; there is no choice.
Isaac Bashevis Singer.
Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary.
people want security in this world, not liberty.
have enjoyed so much freedom for so long that we are perhaps in
danger of forgetting how much blood it cost to establish the
Bill of Rights.
Freedom is just chaos with better lighting.
Freedom is never free.
my phone bill the other day….whatever happened to free speech?
enjoy your freedom – thank a Vet!
FRIENDS & FRIENDSHIP
Friendship will not continue to the end which is begun for an
you choose your friends, don't be short-changed by choosing
personality over character.
twice before you speak to a friend in need.
friend in need is a friend to be avoided.
friend that ain’t in need is my friend indeed.
Certain flaws are necessary for the whole. It would seem strange
if old friends lacked certain quirks.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.
God defend me from my friends: I can defend myself from my
your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands, you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
lost friends, some by death….others by sheer inability to cross
friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.
takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you:
the one to slander you, and the other to bring the news to you.
cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for
ours to amuse them.
End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the
silence of our friends.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you
haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home
are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready
friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your
- Doug Larson.
thing your friends will never forgive you is your happiness.
is no stronger bond of friendship than a mutual enemy.
return people’s greetings, I do so only to give them their
your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.
antidote for fifty enemies is one friend.
friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is
anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.
Edgar Watson Howe.
Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really
friends stab you in the front.
friend will come and bail you out of jail...but a true friend
will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"
people have a large circle of friends while others have only
friends that they like.
best vitamin for making friends....B1.
you are sad I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.
best rule of friendship is to keep your heart a little softer
than your head.
cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends.
Friends help you move; real friends help you move the bodies.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't
have any fun at all.
mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
wanting to change your name and start a new life in a different
Vance Bourjaily, Esquire.
is nothing - absolutely nothing - half so much worth doing as
simply messing about in boats.
calculations are correct, SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN.
immature, disorganised, irresponsible, lazy, and LOUD but I'm
Everyone has fun at the fat man's expanse.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
should I grow up? This is more fun!
Dyslexics have more fnu.
the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.
want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stomping on a human
face - forever.
future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty
minutes an hour.
days you can borrow,
time you can buy.
trust in tomorrow,
future ain't what it used to be.
Things are going to get
a lot worse before they get worse.
- Lily Tomlin.
When one burns one's
bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
- Dylan Thomas.
Past lies upon the Present like a giant's dead body.
Nathaniel Hawthorne, The House of Seven Gables.
nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
An optimist is someone
who thinks the future is uncertain.
Prediction is very difficult. Especially about the future.
of turkeys would strut less if they could see into the future.
. . . tomorrow will be worse.