The Jacana Curmudgeon


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Quotations O






I am firm; you are obstinate; he is a pig-headed fool.

- Bertrand Russell.


He has one of those terribly weak natures that are not susceptible to influence.

- Oscar Wilde.




OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties.

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance.

OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history.

OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver.

OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world.

OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay.

OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest.

OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off.

OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures.

OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just sit around on their fat aces.

OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away.


OLD CARD PLAYERS never die; they just shuffle off.

OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out.


OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just fail to react.

OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just smell that way.

OLD COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte the dust.

OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties.


OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience.

OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hz.

OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact.

OLD EXORCISTS never die, they just give up the ghost.


OLD FASHION DESIGNERS never die; they just fad away.

OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way.


OLD FLORISTS never die; they make other arrangements.

OLD FROGS never die, they just croak.

OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their balls.


OLD GOLFERS never die; they just keep puttering on.

OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips.

OLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air.

OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way.


OLD HORTICULTURALISTS never die, they just go to pot.


OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed.


OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal.


OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under.

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear.

OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate.

OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just go off on a tangent.

OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just lose some functions.


OLD MINISTERS never die, they just get put out to pastor.


OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose.

OLD NUMBER THEORISTS never die, they just get past their prime.


OLD OWLS never die, they just don’t give a hoot.


OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing.

OLD PILOTS never die, they just buzz off.

OLD PLUMBERS never die, they just go down the drain.

OLD PRINTERS never die, they're just not the type.


OLD PROFESSORS never die; they simply lose their faculties.

OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.


OLD PSYCHOLOGISTS never die; they're forever Jung.


OLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little dingy.


OLD SCOTS never die, but they can be kilt.

OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles.


OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away.


OLD SKIERS never die, but they go downhill fast.

OLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temper.


OLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over.


WALT DISNEY didn’t die. He’s in suspended animation.




Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

- Mark Twain.


The old believe everything: the middle-aged suspect everything: the young know everything.

- Oscar Wilde.


How confusing the beams from memory's lamp are; One day a bachelor, the next a grampa.

What is the secret of the trick? How did I get so old so quick?

- Ogden Nash.


When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

- George Burns.


Old age is a lot of crossed-off names in your address book.

- Ronald Blythe.


Old age ain't no place for sissies.

- Bette Davis.


You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

- Bob Hope.


I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope.


At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual.

- Patrick Moore.


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty….but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller.


King David and King Solomon

Led merry, merry lives,

With many, many concubines

And many, many wives;

But when old age crept over them -

With many, many qualms,

King Solomon wrote the Proverbs

And King David wrote the Psalms.

- James Ball Naylor.


My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

- Andy Rooney.


Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? And Rap music will be the Golden Oldies!


I’m starting to realise that ageing isn’t for wimps.


Two things that let you know when you're getting too old: First, you start to lose your memory; Second, ... I forgot what the second one is.


We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.


I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."


Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.


One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.


One good thing about Alzheimers…you get to meet new people every day.


The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.


Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.


Growing old is mandatory... growing up is optional.


I used to be a wind-breaker. Now I’m just an old fart.


I'm not getting older....I'm getting meaner.


I'm not 50 - I'm 18 with 32 years experience.


My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.


Over the hill? What hill? I didn't see any hill!


Keep grandma off the streets. Legalize bingo.


Middle age is when the broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist changes places.


Age is only important if you're a cheese.


I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus shipping & handling.




When I want your opinion I’ll give it to you.

- Lawrence Peter.


When people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

- Oscar Wilde.


….an unbiased opinion is always absolutely valueless.

- Oscar Wilde.


I don't always know what I'm talking about but I know I'm right.

- Muhammad Ali.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

- Charles Schultz.


Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.


Everyone is entitled to my opinion.


I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.


You’re entitled to your own wrong opinion.




I would rather be an opportunist and float than go to the bottom with my principles round my neck.

- Stanley Baldwin.


One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks.

- Jack Penn.


Arriving at one goal is the starting point to another.

- John Dewey.


Opportunity is often difficult to recognize; we usually expect it to beckon us with beepers and billboards.

- William Arthur Ward.


Opportunity is a bird that never perches.

- Claude McDonald.


Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
- Sun Tzu.


I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.

- Mark Twain.


If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

- Milton Berle.


A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.

- Francis Bacon, Essays, 1625.


A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.

- Harry Truman.


Summing up, it is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.

- Woody Allen, My Speech to the Graduates, Side Effects.


All great work is preparing yourself for the accident to happen.

- Sidney Lumet.


Problems are only opportunities with thorns on them.

- Hugh Miller, Snow on the Wind.


Dear Prime Minister,

Thank you for your letter. I am delighted to have the opportunism to serve in your Cabinet.


Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.




An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist fears this is true.

- James Branch Campbell.


A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

- Winston Churchill.


‘Twixt the optimist and the pessimist

The difference is droll:

The optimist sees the doughnut

But the pessimist sees the hole.

- McLandburgh Wilson.


A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are.

- Chauncey Depew.


A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.

- Elbert Hubbard.


The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser - in case you thought optimism was dead.

- Robert Brault.


Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.

- Gil Stern.


A pessimist sees only the dark side of the clouds, and mopes; a philosopher sees both sides, and shrugs; an optimist doesn't see the clouds at all - he's walking on them.

- Leonard Louis Levinson.


Optimists are nostalgic about the future.

- Chicago Tribune.


In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.

- Daniel L. Reardon.


An optimist is merely an ex-pessimist with his pockets full of money, his digestion in good condition, and his wife in the country.

- Helen Rowland.


A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.

- Chauncey Mitchell Depew.


There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

- Mark Twain.


The basis of optimism is sheer terror.

- Oscar Wilde.


The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum.

- Havelock Ellis, The Dance of Life.


No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway


An optimist can always see the bright side of someone else's misfortune.


I may have my faults, but being wrong isn’t one of them.




….to me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.

- Fran Lebowitz.


It is pure unadulterated country life. They get you up early because they have so much to do and go to bed early because they have so little to think about.

- Oscar Wilde.


Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

- Dave Barry.











This web page was last updated on: 24 March, 2011