The Jacana Curmudgeon


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Quotations R





Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumoured by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

- Buddha.




I believe that Reagan can make this country what it once was - an arctic region covered with ice.

- Steve Martin.


….a triumph of the embalmer’s art.

- Gore Vidal.


In a disastrous fire in President Reagan's library, both books were destroyed. And the real tragedy is that he hadn't finished colouring one.

- Jonathan Hunt, New Zealand Politician.


My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you that I have signed legislation to outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.

- Ronald Reagan, recorded when asked to do a microphone test.


I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

- Ronald Reagan.


Here's my strategy on the Cold War:  “We win, they lose."
- Ronald Reagan.


The most terrifying words in the English language are: “I'm from the government and I'm here to help."

- Ronald Reagan.


I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.

- Ronald Reagan.


Talk is cheap - except when Congress does it. The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with an insatiable appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

- Ronald Reagan.


Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in three short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

- Ronald Reagan.


The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.

- Ronald Reagan.


Trust, but verify.

- Ronald Reagan.


I couldn't help but say to Mr. Gorbachev, just think how easy his task and mine might be in these meetings that we held if suddenly there was a threat to this world from another planet. We'd find out once and for all that we really are all human beings here on this earth together.

- Ronald Reagan.


The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.

- Ronald Reagan.


The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so.

- Ronald Reagan


Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong.

- Ronald Reagan


Please assure me that you are all Republicans.

- Ronald Reagan, addressing his surgeons on being wheeled to the OR after an assassination attempt.




Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible. I think it's in my basement... let me go upstairs and check.

- M.C. Escher.


Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

- Albert Einstein.


Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.

- Phillip K. Dick.


Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

- Lily Tomlin.


Are you really sure that a floor can't also be a ceiling?

- M.C. Escher.


Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.

- Jennifer Unlimited.


Objectivity has about as much substance as the emperor's new clothes.

- Connie Miller.


Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

- Philip K. Dick.


Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.

- John Lennon.


Everything you can imagine is real.

- Pablo Picasso.


As I was sitting in my chair,

I knew the bottom wasn't there,

Nor legs nor back, but I just sat,

Ignoring little things like that.

- Hughes Mearns.


There are no facts, only interpretations.

- Friedrich Nietzsche.


Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

- Albert Einstein


We do not see things as they are, but as we are.

- Immanuel Kant.


Reason is the shepherd trying to corral life's vast flock of wild irrationalities.

- Paul Eldridge, Maxims for a Modern Man.


One bright day in the middle of night two dead boys rose to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot one another. A deaf policeman heard the noise, and saved the lives of the two dead boys. If you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.


Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.


How do we know that the sky is not green and we are all colour-blind?


Imagination is the foundation of reality.


All reality is aspect dependent.


Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.


Reality is a figment of your imagination.


Reality is an illusion produced by alcohol deficiency


Okay, who stopped payment on my reality check?


Reality is only fantasy gone stale.


Reality is for people who can’t face science fiction.


Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.


Reality is what refuses to go away when I stop believing in it.


Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe Halted.




The most formidable weapon against errors of every kind is Reason. I have never used any other, and trust I never will.

- Thomas Paine.


Dogmas of every kind put assertion in the place of reason and give rise to more contention, bitterness, and want of charity than any other influence in human affairs.

- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.


In the long run nothing can withstand reason and experience, and the contradictions which religion offers to both is all too palpable.

- Sigmund Freud.




Revolutions have never lightened the burden of tyranny; they have only shifted it to another shoulder.

- George Bernard Shaw.


Every act of rebellion expresses a nostalgia for innocence.

- Albert Camus.


The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.

- Abbie Hoffman.


Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy.

- Franz Kafka.


The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule .

- H. L. Mencken


Women hate revolutions and revolutionists. They like men who are docile, and well regarded at the bank, and never late for meals.

- H.L. Mencken.




There's one sad truth in life I've found

While journeying east and west -

The only folks we really wound

Are those we love the best.

We flatter those we scarcely know,

We please the fleeting guest,

And deal full many a thoughtless blow

To those who love us best.

- Ella Wheeler Wilcox.


Sticks and stones are hard on bones

Aimed with angry art,

Words can sting like anything

But silence breaks the heart.

- Suzanne Nichols.


Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?"  "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."

- A.A. Milne, Winnie The Pooh.


I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.

- Woody Allen.


I date this girl for two years - and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name.'

- Mik Binder.


No road is long with good company.

- Turkish Proverb.




The follies which a man regrets most in his life are those which he didn’t commit when he had the opportunity.

- Helen Rowland.




Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven’t got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.

- Oscar Wilde.


Many a fellow who looks like the dominant male and has himself photographed smoking a pipe curls up like carbon paper when confronted by an aunt.

- P.G. Wodehouse.


It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

- Groucho Marx.


I saw six men kicking and punching my  mother-in-law. My neighbour asked 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

- Peter Kay.


My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

- Paula Poundstone.


Climbing my family tree was fun, until the nuts appeared.




I simply ignored an axiom.

- Albert Einstein.


When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it’s longer than any hour. That’s relativity.

- Albert Einstein.


It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

- Woody Allen.


There was a young lady named Bright

Whose speed was faster than light;

She went out one day

In a relative way,

And returned the previous night.

- Professor A.H. Reginald Buller.




There is a story….which is fairly well known, told about when missionaries came to Africa, that they had the Bible and we, the natives, had the land. And then they said, “Let us prey,” and we dutifully shut our eyes. And when we opened them, why, they now had the land and we had the Bible.

- Desmond Tutu.


If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it.

- Albert Einstein.


I believe in God, only I spell it Nature.

- Frank Lloyd Wright.


I can very well do without God both in my life and in my painting, but I cannot, ill as I am, do without something which is greater than I, which is my life – the power to create.

- Vincent van Gogh.


As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

- Woody Allen.


As for me, I’ve long resolved not to think whether man created God or God man.

- Fyodor Dostoyevsky.


Man is, and always has been, a maker of gods.

- John Burroughs.


Whatever we cannot easily understand we call God; this saves much wear and tear on the brain tissues.

- Edward Abbey.


The Church is the world’s great lost and found department.

- Robert L. Short.


Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction.

- Blaise Pascal.


There was a time when religion ruled the world. It was known as the Dark Ages.

- Ruth Hurmence Green.


The beginning of wisdom is the awareness that there is insufficient evidence that a god or gods have created us and the recognition that we are responsible in part for our own destiny.

- Paul Kurtz.


I cannot believe in a God who has neither humour nor common sense.

- W. Somerset Maugham.


Every other sect supposes itself in possession of all truth, and that those who differ are so far in the wrong; like a man travelling in foggy weather, those at some distance before him on the road he sees wrapped up in the fog, as well as those behind him, and also the people in the fields on each side, but near him all appears clear, tho’ in truth he is as much in the fog as any of them.

- Benjamin Franklin.


Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet.

- Napoleon Bonaparte.


It is ridiculous to think that a supreme being – whatever it is – cares about human affairs. Don’t we believe that it would be defiled by so gloomy and complex a responsibility?

- Pliny the Elder.


The need for religion will end when man becomes sensible enough to govern himself.

- Francisco Ferrer Guardia.


The fact that a believer is happier than a sceptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.

- George Bernard Shaw.


You can’t convince a believer of anything; for their belief is not based on evidence, it’s based on a deep-seated need to believe.

- Carl Sagan.


All religions, with their gods, their demigods, and their prophets, their messiahs and their saints, were created by the credulous fancy of men who had not attained the full development and full possession of their faculties.

- Mikhail A. Bakunin.


I find the whole business of religion profoundly interesting. But it does mystify me that otherwise intelligent people take it seriously.

- Douglas Adams.


A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

- Ronald Knox.


As God once said, and I think rightly....

- Margaret Thatcher.


Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

- Fulton Sheen.


Parsons always seem to be specifically horrified about things like sunbathing and naked bodies. They don’t mind poverty and misery and cruelty to animals nearly as much.

- Susan Ertz.


Science has done more for the development of Western civilization in one hundred years than Christianity did in eighteen hundred.

- John Burroughs.


Religion provides the solace for the turmoil that it creates.

- Byron Danelius.


The biblical account of Noah’s Ark and the Flood is perhaps the most implausible story for fundamentalists to defend. Where, for example, while loading his ark, did Noah find penguins and polar bears in Palestine?

- Judith Hayes.


Somewhere, and I can’t find where, I read about an Eskimo hunter who asked the local missionary priest, “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” “No,” said the priest, “not if you did not know.” “Then why,” asked the Eskimo earnestly, “did you tell me.”

- Annie Dillard.


It is told that the great Angelo, in decorating a church, painted some angels wearing sandals. A cardinal looking at the picture said to the artist: “Whoever saw angels with sandals?” Angelo answered with another question: “Whoever saw an angel barefooted?”

- Robert G. Ingersoll.


Subtract from the New Testament the miraculous and highly improbable, and what will be the remainder?

- George Eliot.


Question: I just wanted to know if you believe in God.

Answer: No, but I don’t disbelieve in her either.

- Arthur C. Clarke.


Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.

- Anon.


Traveller: God has been mighty good to your fields, Mr. Farmer.

Farmer: You should have seen how he treated them when I wasn’t around.

- Anon.


I believe in God; I just don’t trust anyone who works for him.

- Anon.


From the first moment I looked into the horror on September 11th, into that fireball, into that explosion of horror, I knew it. I knew it before anything was said about those who did it or why. I recognized an old companion. I recognized religion.

- Monsignor Lorenzo Albacete.


I am convinced now that children should not be subjected to the frightfulness of the Christian religion….If the concept of a father who plots to have his own son put to death is presented to children as beautiful and as worthy of society’s admiration, what types of human behaviour can be presented to them as reprehensible?

- Ruth Hurmence Green.


“The Good Book” – one of the most remarkable euphemisms ever coined.

- Ashleigh Montague.


God is the immemorial refuge of the incompetent, the helpless, the miserable. They find not only sanctuary in His arms, but also a kind of superiority, soothing to their macerated egos: He will set them above their betters.

- H.L. Mencken.


I find it necessary to wash my hands after I have come into contact with religious people.

- Friedrich Nietzsche.


Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the philosophers as false, and by the rulers as useful.

- Seneca the Younger.


Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he’ll starve to death while praying for a fish.

- Anon.


One’s convictions should be proportional to one’s evidence.

- Sam Harris.


As a caterpillar chooses the fairest leaves to lay her eggs on, so a priest lays his curse on the fairest joys.

- William Blake.


A faith which cannot survive collision with the truth is not worth many regrets.

- Arthur C. Clarke.


Lighthouses are more helpful than churches.

- Benjamin Franklin.


Absolute faith corrupts as absolutely as absolute power.

- Eric Hoffer.


We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.

- Jonathan Swift.


This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart, is the temple; your philosophy is simple kindness.

- The Dalai Lama.


He who has made great moral progress ceases to prey.

- Immanuel Kant.


Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.

- Steven Weinberg.


Pointing to another world will never stop vice among us; shedding light over this world can alone help us.

- Walt Whitman.


The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself.

- Richard Francis Burton.


God is a holding place for everything we don’t understand.

- Betty Sue Flowers.


You never see animals going through the absurd and often horrible fooleries of magic and religion….Only man behaves with such gratuitous folly. It is the price he has to pay for being intelligent, but not, as yet, quite intelligent enough.

- Aldous Huxley.


I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.

- Richard Dawkins.


Religion is fundamentally opposed to everything I hold in veneration – courage, clear thinking, honesty, fairness, and, above all, love of truth.

- H.L. Mencken.


If I had to choose a religion I think I should become a worshipper of the sun. The sun gives to all things life and fertility. It is the true God of the earth.

- Napoleon Bonaparte.


I feel no need of any faith than my faith in human beings. Like Confucius of old, I am so absorbed in the wonder of the earth and the life upon it that I cannot think of heaven or angels.

- Pearl S. Buck.


No man of any humour ever founded a religion.

- Robert G. Ingersoll.


The total absence of humour from the Bible is one of the most singular things in all literature.

- Alfred North Whitehead.


Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know he is.

- Jean Anouilh.


When suffering comes, we yearn from some sign from God, forgetting we have just had one.

- Mignon McLaughlin.


But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

- Mark Twian.


No man treats a motorcar as foolishly as he treats another human being. When the car will not go, he does not attribute its annoying behaviour to sin; he does not say, “You are a wicked motorcar, and I shall not give you any more petrol until you go.” He attempts to find out what is wrong and set it right.

- Bertrand Russell.


One good schoolmaster is of more use than a hundred priests.

- Thomas Paine.


I have little confidence in any enterprise or business or investment that promises dividends only after the death of the stockholders.

- Robert G. Ingersoll.


The Christian resolve to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad.

- Friedrich Nietzsche.


Well, I believe there’s somebody out there who watches over us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.

- Woody Allen.


No matter how much I prove and prod,

I cannot quite believe in God;

But oh, I hope to God that He

Unswervingly believes in me.

- E.Y. Harburg.


How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

- Woody Allen, Selections from the Allen Notebooks.


I cannot imagine how the clockwork of the universe can exist without a clockmaker.

- Voltaire.


The inspiration of the Bible depends on the ignorance of the gentleman who reads it.

- Robert G. Ingersoll.


God, that dumping ground of our dreams.

- Jean Rostand, Carnets d'un Biologiste.


The gods too are fond of a joke.

- Aristotle.


Beware of the man whose God is in the skies.

- George Bernard Shaw.


If God were suddenly condemned to live the life which he has inflicted upon men, He would kill himself.

- Alexandre Dumas.


Religion is a by-product of fear. For much of human history, it may have been a necessary evil, but why was it more evil than necessary? Isn't killing people in the name of God a pretty good definition of insanity?

- Arthur C. Clarke.


Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we're just making him madder and madder.

- Homer Simpson.


There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

- Bart Simpson.


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't

work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
- Emo Philips.


Operationally, God is beginning to resemble not a ruler but the last fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire cat.

- Sir Julian Huxley.


If God lived on earth, people would break his windows.

- Jewish Proverb.


All religions are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness of the few.

- Stendhal.


Faith: not “wanting” to know what is true.

- Friedrich Nietzsche.


Two great European narcotics, alcohol and Christianity.

- Friedrich Nietzsche.


I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the world, and do not find in our particular superstition (Christianity) one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology.

- Thomas Jefferson.


The clergy believe that any portion of power confided to me, will be exerted in opposition to their schemes. And they believe rightly: for I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny known to the mind of man.

- Thomas Jefferson.


I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.

- Henny Youngman.


God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

- Alfred Jarry, Gestes et Opinions du Docteur Faustroll Pataphysicien.


The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

- Dave Barry.


Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

- Homer Simpson.


A lot of people say to me, "Why did you kill Christ?" I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

- Lenny Bruce.


Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

- Woody Allen.


It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.
- Mark Twain, commenting on the Bible.


Randomness scares people. Religion is a way to explain randomness.

- Fran Lebowitz.


I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

- Woody Allen.


And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait until August to be connected.

- Spike Milligan.


If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

- Billy Connolly.


Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of Creation.

- Joseph Heller.


If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

- Woody Allen.


There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it.

- George Bernard Shaw.


The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.

- H.L. Mencken.


“The Good Book” – one of the most remarkable euphemisms ever coined.

- Ashley Montague.


Faith: not wanting to know what is true.

- Friedrich Nietzsche.


I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

- W.C. Fields - during his last illness.


I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.

- Doug MacLeod.


Poor soul - very sad; her late husband, you know, a very sad death - eaten by missionaries - poor soul.

- William Archibald Spooner, Oxford clergyman and academic.


Yes, about ten minutes.

- Duke of Wellington, responding to a vicar's query as to whether there was anything he would like his upcoming sermon to be about.


It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it’s the parts that I do understand.

- Mark Twain.


The inspiration of the Bible depends on the ignorance of the gentleman who reads it.

- Robert G. Ingersoll.


Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?

- Jules Feiffer.


If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be – a Christian.

- Mark Twain.


There are scores of thousands of human insects who are ready at a moment's notice to reveal the Will of God on every possible subject.

- George Bernard Shaw.


The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.

- Herb Caen.


Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber at weekends.

- Woody Allen.


Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable.

- H.L. Mencken.


Organized Christianity has probably done more to retard the ideals that were its founder’s than any other agency in the world.

- Richard Le Gallienne.


A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

- H.L. Mencken.


If God did not exist, it would have been necessary to invent him.

- Voltaire.


If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.

- Thomas Szasz.


1. In the beginning, God created dates.

2. And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 BC.

3. And God said, ‘Let there be Light’; and there was Light. And when there was light, God saw the date, that it was an Monday, and He got down to work; for, verily He had an Big Job To Do. And God made pottery shards and Silurian molluscs and Pre-Cambrian limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic mastodon tusks and Pithecanthropus erectus skulls and Cretaceous Placentalia made He; and those cave paintings at Lascaux. And that was that for the First Day.

4. And God saw everything He had made, and He saw that it was very good; and God said, ‘It just goes to show Me what the private sector can accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations, this could have taken billion of years.

5. And on the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day yet, God said, ‘Thank Me it’s Friday.’ And God made the weekend.

- Tony Hendra and Sean Kelly.


Any stigma is good enough to beat a dogma with.

- Phillip Guedalla.


There is something wrong with a man if he does not want to break the Ten Commandments.

- G.K. Chesterton.


After coming in contact with a religious man, I always feel that I must wash my hands.

- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche.


I’m a man of no convictions - at least I think I am.

- Christopher Hampton.


Prayer gives a man the opportunity of getting to know a gentleman he hardly ever meets. I do not mean his maker, but himself.

- William Inge.


Prayer must never be answered: if it is, it ceases to be prayer and becomes correspondence.

- Oscar Wilde.


Which is it: is man one of God's blunders, or is God one of man's blunders?

- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche.


It is going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth after they inherit it.

- Kin Hubbard.


Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

- Herbert Hoover.


No one ever made more trouble than the ‘gentle Jesus meek and mild.’

- James M. Gillis.


A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to people who will never get there.

- H.L. Mencken.


Self denial is the shining sore on the leprous body of Christianity.

- Oscar Wilde.


How odd

Of God

To choose

The Jews


Not odd

Of God.


Annoy ‘im.

- Leo Rosten.


Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee

And I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me.

- Robert Frost.


Faith is what we believe in but cannot prove. Superstition is what other people believe in but cannot prove.

- Lambert Jeffries.


In heaven all the interesting people are missing.

- Wilhelm Friedrich Nietzsche.


I'm a born again atheist.

- Gore Vidal.


Missionaries, my dear! Don't you realise that missionaries are the divinely provided food for destitute and underfed cannibals? Whenever they are on the brink of starvation, Heaven in its infinite mercy sends them a nice plump missionary.

- Oscar Wilde.


It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the pope.

- Pope John XXIII.


What’s a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.

- Robert Altman.


STOP! Do not use this power saw without permission from the owner, foreman, me, or my son.

- God (sign posted at a building site).


Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.


If god really is an old Jewish fart is the sky, it explains a whole lot.


Mental floss regularly with God's Word to avoid truth decay.


The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.


The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.


If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your future plans.

- Woody Allen.


Thank God I'm an atheist.


If God exists that's his problem.


Jesus is coming. Look Busy.


In God we trust; all others are suspects.


Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.


Thanks be to God for finally proving the existence of Jean-Paul Sartre.


God is alive - he just doesn’t want to get involved.


God is dead. But don’t worry - the Virgin Mary is pregnant again.


God is not dead. He is alive and autographing Bibles today at Foyles.


God is dead.

- Nietzsche.

Nietzsche is dead.

- God.


Has it ever occurred to you that God might be a committee?


The last Christian died on the cross.


Lord save me from your followers.


God is not dead, but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project.


God was a woman - until she changed her mind.


Sorry, but my karma just rode over your dogma.

- Bumper sticker.


God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.


God seems to have left the receiver off the hook and time is running out.


When an agnostic dies, does he go to the “Great Perhaps”?


‘Jesus loves black and white’ - but he prefers Johnny Walker.


‘Lions 7, Christians Nil’ - Christians in heaven, lions ill.


You found God? If nobody claims him in thirty days, he's yours!


The trouble with God is he thinks he’s Lee Ouzman.


How do you get holy water?

- Boil the hell out of it.


Where will you be on the day of judgement?

- still here waiting for a No.95 bus.


Jesus said unto them, "Who do you say that I am?". They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the Karygma of which we find the ultimate meaning of our inter-personal relationships".

And Jesus said, "Huh?".


‘In six days the Lord made the Heaven and Earth, the Sea, and all that in them is’.

- he was self employed.


The meek shall inherit the earth.

- but not it’s mineral rights.

- J.Paul Getty.

- they are too weak to refuse.


And the Angel said unto the shepherds, "Fuck off, this is cattle country."


The bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.


God’s plan made a hopeful beginning,

But man spoiled his chances by sinning.

We trust that the story

Will end in God’s glory,

But, at present, the other side’s winning.


Q: Why do Jews answer a question with a question?

A: Why shouldn’t Jews answer a question with a question?


A missionary is a person who teaches cannibals to say grace before they eat him.


I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.


Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re an ass.


Even if you lead a good life, go to church and say your prayers, you'll still go to Des Moines when you die.


Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.


When an agnostic dies, does he go to the “Great Perhaps?”.


Never trust a nun with a gun.




"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of the pox!"

"That, my Lord, depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress"

-John Wilkes to The Earl of Sandwich, Parliament, November 1763


If I valued the honourable gentleman's opinion I might get angry.

- Winston Churchill.


I have waited fifty years to see the Boneless Wonder sitting on the Treasury bench.

- Winston Churchill, of Ramsay MacDonald.


He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

- Winston Churchill, of Ramsay MacDonald.


I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend....if you have one.

- George Bernard Shaw, to Winston Churchill.


Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second....if there is one.

- Winston Churchill, in response.


He had sufficient conscience to bother him, but not sufficient to keep him straight.

- David Lloyd George, of Ramsay MacDonald.


When they circumcised Herbert Samuel, they threw away the wrong bit.

- David Lloyd George, on his fellow Liberal.


The Tory Prime Minister, Benjamin Disreali, was noted for his oratory and had a number of memorable exchanges in the House with his great rival William Gladstone. Asked what the difference between a calamity and a misfortune was Disreali replied: 'If Gladstone fell into the Thames it would be a misfortune, but if someone pulled him out again, it would be a calamity'.


I want to thank all those who made this night necessary.

- Yogi Berra.


I never forget a face, but I'll make an exception in your case.

- Groucho Marx.


I dote on his very absence.

- William Shakespeare.


He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde.


Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

- Johnny Carson.


Judge: I have read your case, Mr. Smith, and I am no wiser now than I was when I started.
Smith: Possibly not, My Lord, but far better informed.
- F. E. Smith, Earl of Birkenhead.


What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you fucking McTosser!

- Billy Conolly.


Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

- David Letterman.


No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast.

- W. S. Gilbert.


Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

- Joan Rivers.


Mrs. Lindsay: You certainly look cool.

Berra: Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself.

- Yogi Berra


Waldo is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

- Hector Hugh Munro, "Saki", referring to Ralph Waldo Emerson.


Where does she find them?

- Dorothy Parker - in reply to "Anyway, she's always very nice to her inferiors."


I must decline your invitation owing to a subsequent engagement.

- Oscar Wilde.


My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

- Jack Nicholson.


He's done more U-turns than a dodgy plumber.
- Iain Douglas Smith (on Tony Blair's attitude towards Europe).


I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.

- Bette Davis.


Joan Collins unfortunately can't be with us tonight. She's busy attending the birth of her next husband.

- John Parrott.


She's so pure, even Moses couldn't part her knees.
- Joan Rivers (on Marie Osmond).


He is a self-made man and worships his creator.

- John Bright.


I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

- Clarence Darrow.


There is nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.

- Jack E. Leonard.


He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

- Abraham Lincoln.


The right honourable gentleman is reminiscent of a poker. The only difference is that a poker gives off the occasional signs of warmth.
- Benjamin Disraeli, on Robert Peel.


In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.

- Charles, Count Talleyrand.


He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.

- Forrest Tucker.


His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

- Mae West.


Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

- Oscar Wilde.


He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts….for support rather than illumination.

- Andrew Lang.


He had delusions of adequacy.

- Walter Kerr.


His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

- Woody Allen.


….like being savaged by a dead sheep.

- Denis Healey, on Geoffrey Howe’s attack on his budget, House of Commons, 1978.


Lord Birkenhead is very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

- Margot Asquith.


I treasure every moment that I do not see her.

- Oscar Levant, on Phyllis Diller.


I can't believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest.

- Steven Pearl.


I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics.

- Johnny Mercer, on a British musical.


Dustin Farnum: "I've never been better! In the last act yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats."

Oliver Herford: "How very clever of you to think of it."


I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.

- English professor, Ohio University.


Lady Astor: If you were my husband, Winston, I'd put poison in your tea.

Winston Churchill: And if I were your husband, Nancy, I'd drink it.


Lady Astor (to Churchill, slurring in Commons): “Sir! You are drunk!”

Churchill: “Yes, milady, I am, and you are ugly. But, in the morning, I shall be sober.”


Anecdotes concerning Oscar Wilde's wit are legion. A notorious bore is supposed to have said to him "I passed your house yesterday, Oscar", and he is supposed to have replied "Thank you very much."



- Anonymous telegram to Sir Alec Douglas.


“I’ll be going now; don't trouble to see me to the door.”

“It's no trouble; it's a pleasure.”


Well, aren't we a fucking ray of sunshine?


Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted


Gent: “Sir! How dare you fart before my wife!”

Farter: “I do apologise. I didn’t realise it was her turn.”


When a newspaper headline read: 'Half of the City Council are Crooks', the City Council demanded a retraction. The next day the headline read, 'Half of the City Council are not Crooks.'


What he lacks in intelligence, he makes up for in stupidity.


Man: 'Can I have a parrot for my son, please?'

Pet shop owner: 'Sorry, sir, we don't swap'.


Teacher: 'Johnny, where is Brazil?'

Johnny (stalling): 'Where do you think it is?'

Teacher: 'I don't think. I know.'

Johnny: 'I don't think I know, either.'


Girl: 'Sometimes my father takes things apart to see why they don't go.'

Her date: 'So what?'

Girl: 'So you'd better go.'


'And would you love me as much if my father lost all his money?'

'Has he?'

'Why, no.'

'Of course I would, darling.'


Diner: 'Do you serve crabs here?'

Waiter: 'We serve anyone - sit down!'


I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.


Don't get your panties in a bunch. It solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.


If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK


He has the sensitivity of a Medieval Dentist.


I tried seeing your point of view, but I couldn’t get my head that far up my arse.




If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research, would it?

- Albert Einstein.


Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.

- Marston Bates.


Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate.

- Sandra Boynton.


Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

- Wernher Von Braun.


Westheimer's Discovery: A coupla months in the laboratory can save a coupla hours in the library.


American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to the make men cocky and the women lay better.


To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.




The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is.

- George Bernard Shaw.


Decency . . . must be an even more exhausting state to maintain than its opposite. Those who succeed seem to need a stupefying amount of sleep.

- Quentin Crisp.


I wish someone would call me “Sir” without adding, “You’re making a scene.”




A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.

- Dean Acheson.


With every civil right there has to be a corresponding civil obligation.

- Edison Haines.


I believe that every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty.

- John D. Rockefeller Jr.


We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until we have stopped saying "It got lost," and say "I lost it."

- Sidney J. Harris.


When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself.

- Louis Nizer.


If something goes wrong with the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.


"I must do something" always solves more problems than "Something must be done."




What men value in this world are not rights but privileges.

- H.L. Mencken.


The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

- Hubert Humphrey, speech, Madison, Wisconsin, 23 August 1965.


There you go again - thinking you have rights!


2 Days without a human rights violation.




To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself.

- Soren Kierkegaard.


Be wary of the man who urges an action in which he himself incurs no risk.
 - Joaquin Setanti.


I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.

- Pablo Picasso.


When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.

- Cynthia Heimel, Lower Manhattan Survival Tactics.


Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?

- Frank Scully.


You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

- Wayne Gretzky.


A ship in harbour is safe - but that is not what ships are for.

- John A. Shedd, Salt from My Attic.


Nothing will ever be attempted, if all possible objections must be first overcome.

- Samuel Johnson, Rasselas, 1759.


If one is forever cautious, can one remain a human being?

- Aleksander Solzhenitsyn.


One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.

- André Gide.


We fail more often by timidity than by over-daring.

- David Grayson.


Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise.


Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the Titanic.




Mr Gladstone speaks to me as if I were a public meeting.

- Queen Victoria.


Can you use your sword?

- Queen Mother, 100, to her Equerry, Capt William de Rouet, after struggling unsuccessfully to open the envelope containing the birthday card from her daughter, the Queen. Much to the amazement of the assembled throng, he drew his huge sabre and did just that.


That's mine.

- An alert Queen Mother to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who picked up her wine glass by mistake during a toast at a Guildhall lunch in her honour.


Is it me or are pensioners getting younger these days?

- Queen Mother, 100, presenting prizes at an old people's garden competition.


The chopper changed my life as conclusively as that of Anne Boleyn.

- Queen Mother, on her love of helicopters - the first Royal to use them.


Nobody has kissed me on the lips since my husband died.

- Queen Mother, in a frosty reproof to President Carter, who greeted her a little too warmly for her liking.


Is that wise? You know you have to reign all afternoon.

- Queen Mother, admonishing her daughter, when the Queen had a rare glass of wine with her lunch.


Work, darling is the rent you pay for life.

- Queen Mother to her daughter, the Queen.


Who do you think you are?

- Queen Mother, again, to her daughter. To which the response was....


Mummy, the Queen!


Get 'em orf at once. They look like icecream salesmen.

- HM The Queen, on the new cool white Garden Party coats designed to replace the traditional heavy scarlet ones worn by her servants.


When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

- Prince Philip.


Dig that crazy rhythm.

- HRH Prince Charles trying, and failing miserably, to be cool as a DJ at a Prince's Trust-backed shelter.


‘Kiskawpisim Kamiyowahpahmikoot.’

- The new name given to HRH Prince Charles by native Cree Indians on his recent visit to Canada. It means "The sun watches over him in a good way." He already has another native Indian title from a previous visit 26 years ago - "Attaniout Ikeneego" - "Son of the big boss."


When I appear in public people expect me to neigh, grind my teeth, paw the ground and swish my tail - none of which is easy.

- Princess Anne, only daughter of Queen Elizabeth II.


I don't want to give it to her. She's horrible.

- Five year old Anna Engstrom refusing to present a posy to Princess Anne.


As I said to the Queen, I can't stand name-droppers.

- Alan Whicker, TV presenter.


What is your name?

- Sol Masters, age 3 years, to probably the most famous woman on the planet, the Queen, on her visit to his kindergarten in Busselton, Western Australia.




Einstein rules relatively, OK.

- well, in theory anyway.


Potassium Ethoxide rules C2H4OK.


Sycophancy rules - if it's OK by you.


James Bond rules, 00K.


Lethargy rulezzzzzzzz


Absolute zero rules 0ºK


Rizla skins roll, OK.


The House of Lords overrules, OK.


OK sauce rules, HP.


Saliva drools, OK.


The King of Siam rules Bank, OK.


Examples rule, e.g.


Scotland rules OK, the noo!


Amnesia rules, O....


Apathy rules, oh dear....


Roget's Thesaurus dominates, regulates, rules, OK, all right, adequately.




The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

- Erma Bombeck.


It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him.

- Mike Royko.


The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.

- Martin Mull.


If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken Him completely by surprise.

- P.Z. Pearce.


I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street.

- Neil Armstrong on jogging, in an interview with Walter Cronkite.




I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.

- Winston Churchill, 1939.


In the United States you have freedom of speech. You can go up to Ronald Reagan and say, ‘I don’t like Ronald Reagan.’ In the Soviet Union you can have the same thing. You can go up to Chernenko and say, ‘I don’t like Ronald Reagan.’

- Yakov Smirnoff.


There are no unemployed in Russia or in Dartmoor jail, and for the same reason.

- Phillip Snowden.


Get me Pootie-Poot on the phone.

- US President George W. Bush, revealing his nickname for the Russian President Putin.


Q: What is a Russian string trio?

A: A Russian string quartet that has returned from the West.

- David Steel.


Visit the USSR - before the USSR visits you.












This web page was last updated on: 24 March, 2011