The Jacana Curmudgeon

 

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Quotations S

 

 

SAN FRANCISCO

 

San Francisco: "I'd never set foot in San Francisco. Of all the Sodoms and Gomorrahs in our modern world, it

is the worst. It needs another quake, another whiff of fire - and - more than all else - a steady trade wind of

grapeshot. That moral penal colony of the world."

- Ambrose Bierce.

 

'Ell of a place. 'Ell of a place! I never come here again.

- Enrico Caruso.

 

My favourite city is San Francisco, because it’s gay. They teach the kids in school: AC DC EFG….

- Joan Rivers.

 

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

 

The Fruit & Nut capital of the world.

 

SANITY & INSANITY

 

There is no genius free from some tincture of madness.

- Seneca.

 

I don't really trust a sane person.

- Lyle Alzado.

 

I suppose it is much more comfortable to be mad and not know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.

- G.B. Burgin.

 

Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs it is the rule.

- Friedrich Nietzsche.

 

She used to eat chops in the small hours and sleep in a hat. Once she arrived home at seven a.m. carrying a

gate. Who am I to say there was anything wrong with her?

- Alan Coren.

 

An international team of psychiatrists has flown to Uganda in an attempt to discover exactly what makes

General Amin tick. And, more especially, what makes him go cuckoo every half-hour.

- David Frost.

 

There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one’s own safety in the face

of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded.

All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions.

Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn’t, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them

he was crazy and didn’t have to; but if he didn’t want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very

deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22, and let out a respectful whistle.

- Joseph Heller, Catch-22.

 

A man who is "of sound mind" is one who keeps the inner madman under lock and key.

- Paul Valéry, Mauvaises pensées et autres.

 

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady

across the hall tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault,

or I'm marking down everything in the store."

- Steven Wright.

 

Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.

- Henrik Tikkanen.

 

Howard Hughes was able to afford the luxury of madness, like a man who not only thinks he is Napoleon but hires

an army to prove it.

- Ted Morgan.

 

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

- Mark Twain.

 

I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.

- William Shakespeare.

 

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

- Robin Williams.

 

I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.

- William H. Mauldin.

 

A little madness in the Spring

Is wholesome even for the King.

- Emily Dickinson.

 

Everything great in the world is done by neurotics; they alone founded our religions and created our masterpieces.

- Marcel Proust.

 

Most men are within a finger's breadth of being mad.

- Diogenes.

 

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

- Mark Twain.

 

There is only one quality worse than hardness of heart and that is softness of head.

- Theodore Roosevelt.

 

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.

- Oscar Levant

 

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
- Emo Philips.

 

In a mad world, only the mad are sane.

- Akiro Kurosawa.

 

Roses are red,

Violets are blue.

I’m schizophrenic And so am I.

- Billy Conolly.

 

You’re never alone with schizophrenia.

- Badge, London.

 

Blessed are the cracked; for it is they who let in the light

 

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

 

I don't suffer from insanity.... I'm a carrier.

 

It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you.

 

Allow me to introduce my selves.

 

I do whatever the voices tell me to do.

 

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

 

I haven't lost my mind; I have a tape back-up somewhere.

 

I have my own little world, but it's okay - they know me here.

 

So I’m cured of schizophrenia - but where am I now that I need me?

 

What hallucinations?

 

I’m getting’ outta here. The doctors and nurses are all crazy.

 

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 

Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favourite neurosis.

 

Ok! I'm weird, but I'm saving up to become eccentric.

 

SATIRE

 

You wouldn't know satire if it walked up to you on the street bare naked, bit your ass, and then proceeded to

put on a rainbow coloured afro wig and started jumping up and down singing 'The time to get a clue is now!"

- Joel Jones.

 

SCANDALS

 

One should never make one’s debut with a scandal. One should reserve that to give an interest to one’s old age.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

SCIENCE & SCIENTISTS

 

If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants.

- Isaac Newton.

 

‘Nature and Nature’s laws lay hid by night;

God said, “Let Newton be!” and all was light.

- Alexander Pope.

 

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.

- Albert Einstein.

 

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

- Albert Einstein.

 

When a blind beetle crawls over the surface of a curved branch, it doesn't notice that the track it has covered

is indeed curved. I was lucky enough to notice what the beetle didn't notice.

- Albert Einstein.

 

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

- Albert Einstein.

 

Human beings, vegetables, or comic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an

invisible player.

- Albert Einstein.

 

During our crossing, Einstein explained his theory to me every day, and by the time we arrived I was fully

convinced he understood it.

- Chaim Weizmann.

 

The fairest thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle

of true art and true science.

- Albert Einstein.

 

Anything that we scientists can do to weaken the hold of religion should be done and may in the end be our

greatest contribution to civilization.

- Steven Weinberg.

 

Equipped with his five senses, man explores the universe around him and calls the adventure Science.

- Edwin Powell Hubble, The Nature of Science.

 

The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.

- Isaac Asimov, Isaac Asimov's Book of Science and Nature Quotations.

 

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

- Henry J. Tillman.

 

The cloning of humans is on most of the lists of things to worry about from Science, along with behaviour control,

genetic engineering, transplanted heads, computer poetry and the unrestrained growth of plastic flowers.

- Lewis Thomas.

 

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for

people who can never remember where they have left things.

- Woody Allen.

 

For NASA, space is still a high priority.

- Dan Quayle.

 

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

- W.C. Fields.

 

Nature composes some of her loveliest poems for the microscope and the telescope.

- Theodore Roszak, Where the Wasteland Ends.

 

Science is the great antidote to the poison of enthusiasm and superstition.

- Adam Smith, The Wealth of Nations, 1776.

 

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not "Eureka!"

(I found it!) but "That's funny..."

- Isaac Asimov.

 

Science does not know its debt to imagination.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson.

 

The important thing in science is not so much to obtain new facts as to discover new ways of thinking about them.

- William Lawrence Bragg.

 

Louise: "How did you get here?"

Johnny: "Well, basically, there was this little dot, right? And the dot went bang and the bang expanded. Energy

formed into matter, matter cooled, matter lived, the amoeba to fish, to fish to fowl, to fowl to frog, to frog to mammal,

the mammal to monkey, to monkey to man, amo amas amat, quid pro quo, memento mori, ad infinitum, sprinkle on

a little bit of grated cheese and leave under the grill till Doomsday."

- From the movie Naked.

 

Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson.

 

The capacity to blunder slightly is the real marvel of DNA. Without this special attribute, we would still be anaerobic

bacteria and there would be no music.

- Lewis Thomas.

 

In a manner which matches the fortuity, if not the consequence, of Archimedes' bath and Newton's apple, the

[3.6 million year old] fossil footprints were eventually noticed one evening in September 1976 by the palaeontologist

Andrew Hill, who fell while avoiding a ball of elephant dung hurled at him by the ecologist David Western.

- John Reader, Missing Links: The Hunt for Earliest Man.

 

In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon

void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty.

And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.

- Les Dawson.

 

Amoebas at the start

Were not complex;

They tore themselves apart

And started Sex.

- Arthur Guiterman

 

Science is all those things which are confirmed to such a degree that it would be unreasonable to withhold one's

provisional consent.

- Stephen Jay Gould.

 

DNA was the first three-dimensional Xerox machine.

- Kenneth Boulding, Energy and the Environment," Beasts, Ballads, and Bouldingisms.

 

If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.

If it stinks, it's chemistry.

If it doesn't work, it's physics.

- Handy Guide to Science

 

The Newtons and friends were taking tea
Beneath the boughs of an apple tree,
When a falling fruit landed on the
Head of the head of the family.
Mrs. Newton cried, 'Well deary me!
That could've caused an injury'.
But clever Isaac alone could see,
The situation's true gravity.

 

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't,

use duct tape.

 

Scientists should always state the opinions upon which their facts are based.

 

A biophysicist talks physics to the biologists and biology to the physicists, but then he meets another biophysicist,

they just discuss women.

 

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

 

There is no gravity. The earth sucks.

 

Gravity always gets me down.

 

A drug is a substance that when injected into a guinea pig produces a scientific paper.

 

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

 

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

 

LOST! One science teacher after last Thursday’s experiment.

 

SCOTLAND

 

Is anything worn beneath the kilt?

No, it’s all in perfect working order!

- Spike Milligan.

 

Much may be made of a Scotchman, if he be caught young.

- Samuel Johnson.

 

No McTavish

Was ever lavish.

- Ogden Nash.

 

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.

- P.G. Wodehouse.

 

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and winter.

- Billy Connolly.

 

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

- Billy Connolly.

 

SEASONS

 

Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush.

- Doug Larson.

 

The first day of spring was once the time for taking the young virgins into the fields, there in dalliance to set an

example in fertility for nature to follow. Now we just set the clocks an hour ahead and change the oil in the

crankcase.

- E.B. White, Hot Weather, One Man's Meat.

 

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn

mower is broken.

- James Dent.

 

Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."

- Robert Byrne.

 

SECRETS

 

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

What is man? A miserable pile of secrets.

- Andre Malraux.

 

Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out of most women. However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses.

- Ivern Boyett.

 

When a woman says, 'I don't wish to mention any names', it means it ain't necessary to mention any names.

- Kin Hubbard.

 

I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell who can’t.

 

Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.

 

SEE THE

 

See the funny, funny wall. See Jane jump the wall. Jane has defected.

 

See Dick play. See Dick work. See Spot watch Dick work. Spot is no dope.

 

SELF

 

We are all primary numbers divisible only by ourselves.

- Jean Guitton.

 

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

- Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson, 1894.

 

Each of us is something of a schizophrenic personality, tragically divided against ourselves.

- Martin Luther King, Jr., Strength to Love.

 

And remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

- Confucius.

 

What other dungeon is so dark as one's own heart! What jailer so inexorable as one's self.

- Nathaniel Hawthorne, The House of Seven Gables.

 

When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you.

- Lao-Tzu.

 

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

- Agnes Repplier.

 

We are sure to be losers when we quarrel with ourselves; it is civil war.

- Charles Caleb Colton.

 

Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book shown to him by heart, and his friends can only read

the title.

- Virginia Woolf.

 

Sometimes at night I light a lamp so as not to see.

- Antonio Porchia, Voces.

 

I am my own heaven and hell.

- J.C.F. von Schiller.

 

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh, at yourself.

- Ethel Barrymore.

 

Who has not sat before his own heart's curtain? It lifts: and the scenery is falling apart.

- Rainer Maria Rilke.

 

Almost always it is the fear of being ourselves that brings us to the mirror.

- Antonio Porchia, Voces.

 

Every man is his own ancestor, and every man his own heir. He devises his own future, and he inherits his

own past.

- H.F. Hedge.

 

I loathe the expression "What makes him tick." It is the American mind, looking for simple and singular solution,

that uses the foolish expression. A person not only ticks, he also chimes and strikes the hour, falls and breaks

and has to be put together again, and sometimes stops like an electric clock in a thunderstorm.

- James Thurber.

 

Misfortunes one can endure - they come from outside, they are accidents. But to suffer for one's own faults -

ah! there is the sting of life.

- Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan.

 

I am my own heaven and hell!

- J.C.F. von Schiller.

 

My greatest fear is that there is no PMS, and this is just my personality.

 

SELF-DISCOVERY

 

All men should strive to learn before they die

What they are running from, and to, and why.

- James Thurber.

 

I know well what I am fleeing from but not what I am in search of.

- Michel de Montaigne.

 

If in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You

may be dead.

- Gelett Burgess.

 

One may understand the cosmos, but never the ego; the self is more distant than any star.

- G.K. Chesterton, The Logic of Elfland, Orthodoxy.

 

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.

- Henry David Thoreau.

 

If you haven't had at least a slight poetic crack in the heart, you have been cheated by nature.

- Phyllis Battelle.

 

He who knows others is learned;

He who knows himself is wise.

- Lao-tzu, Tao te Ching.

 

Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it's dark.

- Zen Proverb.

 

It's terrifying to see someone inside of whom a vital spring seems to have been broken. It's particularly

terrifying to see him in your mirror.

- Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook.

 

Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of

the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves

without wondering.

- St. Augustine.

 

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have

altered.

- Nelson Mandela.

 

"Know thyself?" If I knew myself, I'd run away.

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

 

Let your heart guide you. It whispers, so listen carefully.

- Littlefoot's mother, Land Before Time.

 

Groucho: "It says here that you and your wife have eleven children. Why so many?"

Contestant: "Well, we just love kids."

Groucho: "I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth sometimes."

- Groucho Marx.

 

If a man happens to find himself, he has a mansion which he can inhabit with dignity all the days of his life.

- James A. Michener.

 

Few people know so clearly what they want. Most people can't even think what to hope for when they throw

a penny in a fountain.

- Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams.

 

The truth is that it is natural, as well as necessary, for every man to be a vagabond occasionally.

- Samuel H. Hammond.

 

If you don't get lost, there's a chance you may never be found.

 

SEXUAL

 

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

- Woody Allen.

 

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

- Dave Barry.

 

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

- Dave Barry.

 

Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women

seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are

at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious,

boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

- Bob Rubin.

 

Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.

- Robert Byrne, 1,911 Best Things Anybody Ever Said.

 

Two guys are talking and one says to the other: "What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes

time?" The other one says, "I'd shag everything that moved...What would you do?" And he says, "I'd stand

perfectly still."

- Billy Conolly.

 

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

- Woody Allen.

 

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

- Jay Leno.

 

To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil

slapped on the genitals.

- Don Schrader.

 

There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection.

It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the

merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.

When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.

- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour.

 

We all worry about the population explosion, but we don't worry about it at the right time.

- Arthur Hoppe.

 

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

- Woody Allen.

 

There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex,

they should draw the line at goats.

- Elton John.

 

Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.

- Robert Heinlein.

 

Sex relieves tension - love causes it.

- Woody Allen.

 

If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time.

- Louise Sammons.

 

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher. They are going to make a board game out of it.

- Woody Allen.

 

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat

you with a warm squash or something..."

- Emo Philips.

 

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

- Rodney Dangerfield.

 

My cousin’s gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

- Rodney Dangerfield.

 

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are

thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood

anywhere near our optic nerve.

- Andy Rooney.

 

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the

right woman.

- Woody Allen.

 

Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth,

it's a cure.

- Thomas Szasz.

 

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.

- Karl Kraus.

 

Two Dallas women opened a marina. They ran the best little oarhouse in Texas.

- Richard Lederer.

 

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

- Lily Tomlin.

 

Sex got me into trouble from the age of fifteen: I'm hoping that by the time I'm seventy I'll straighten it out.

- Harold Robbins.

 

Nature abhors a virgin - a frozen asset.

- Clare Booth Luce.

 

Humans are the only animals who can have sex over the phone.

- David Letterman.

 

I think I mentioned to Bob Geldof I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four

hours of begging and then dinner and a movie.

- Sting.

 

Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.

- Dorothy Parker.

 

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

- Wendy Liebman.

 

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

- Spike Milligan.

 

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

- Henry Youngman.

 

You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct.

- W. Somerset Maugham, The Bread-Winner.

 

Isn't it interesting how the sounds are the same for an awful nightmare and great sex?

- From the television show The Golden Girls.

 

I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults.

- Gore Vidal.

 

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

- Gloria Leonard.

 

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex

with the authorities.

- Matt Groening.

 

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in

some way obstructed interstate commerce.

- J. Edgar Hoover, attributed.

 

It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.

- Mrs. Patrick Campbell.

 

Nothing risqué, nothing gained.

- Alexander Woollcott.

 

To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.

- Cary Grant.

 

Now, if groups like Moral Majority have their way, there won't be any sex education at school, and our kids

will be the dumbest in the world when it comes to sex.... But our parents are sexually retarded too.... Fear

and primitive morals are creating a sexual pressure-cooker in this country and soon the top will blow.... Only

in the U.S. do we find children drawing a picture of a baby coming from the clouds or from under a cabbage leaf.

- Dr. Floyd Martinson.

 

He no play-da-game. He no make-a-da rules!

- Earl Butz, referring to the Pope's stricture against contraception.

 

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy.

- Steve Martin.

 
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
- Woody Allen.
 
You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a 
middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
- Emo Philips.
 
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
- Robin Williams.
 
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
- Marilyn Pittman.
 
You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.
- Steve Martin.
 
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
-Woody Allen.
 
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- George Burns.
 
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
- Sharon Stone.
 
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances of getting laid on a Saturday night.
- Rodney Dangerfield.
 
She’s got legs that go way past my bedtime.
- Neville Gregson.
 
Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes.

- Jackie Onassis.
 

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

- Emo Philips.

 

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.

- Joan Rivers.

 

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

- Steve Martin.

 

My wife is the sort of woman who gives necrophilia a bad name.

- Patrick Murray.

 
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
- George Burns.

 

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein.

 

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

 

It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.

- Joan Rivers.

 

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

- Steve Martin.

 

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

- Elmo Phillips.

 

We may eventually come to realise that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition.

- Alex Comfort.

 

Chastity always takes its toll. In some cases it produces pimples; in others, sex laws.

- Karl Kraus.

 

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.

- Truman Capote.

 

Home is heaven and orgies are vile,

But I like an orgy, once in a while.

- Ogden Nash, Home, 99 44/100% Sweet Home.

 

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

- Billy Crystal.

 

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

- Dustin Hoffman.

 

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

- Woody Allen.

 

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

- Woody Allen.

 

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

- Woody Allen.

 

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him 'Be fruitful, and multiply.' But not in those words.

- Woody Allen.

 

If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all.

- Rodney Dangerfield.

 

My girlfriend said to me in bed last night 'you're a pervert.' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.

- Emo Philips.

 

She said he proposed something on their wedding night that even her own brother wouldn't have suggested.

- James Thurber.

 

It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it.

- Winston Churchill.

 

You know of course that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct.

- Somerset Maugham.

 

What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? “Honey, I'm home."

- Ken Hammond.

 

I am always looking for meaningful one night stands.

- Dudley Moore.

 

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.

- Emo Philips.

 

I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.

- Michael Prichard.

 

A birth-control pill for men, that's fair. It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bullet-proof vest.

- Greg Travis.

 

I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.

- Joan Rivers.

 

Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk.

- Andy Gibb.

 

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

- Emo Philips.

 

Dead birds don't fall out of their nests.

- Winston Churchill, when someone told him his fly buttons were undone.

 

Don't let your son go down on me.

- Michael Jackson.

 

To hear two American men congratulating each other on being heterosexual is one of the most chilling experiences - and unique to the United States. You don't hear two Italians sitting around complimenting each other because they actually like to go to bed with women. The American is hysterical about his manhood.

- Gore Vidal.

 

If horse racing is the sport of kings, then drag racing must be the sport of queens.

- Bert R. Sugar.

 

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

- Spike Milligan.

 

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

- Rodney Dangerfield.

 

A woman who took the pill with a glass of pond water has been diagnosed three month stagnant.

- The Two Ronnies.

 

When a man takes an interest in a woman’s body she accuses him only of taking an interest in her body, but when he doesn’t take an interest in her body she accuses him of taking an interest in someone else’s body.

- P.J. O’Rourke and John Hughes.

 

Sex: - the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.

- Lord Chesterfield.

 

I used to be in favour of women priests but two years in the Cabinet cured me of them.

- Norman St John-Stevas, ex-member of Mrs Thatcher’s Government.

 

What men desire is a virgin who is also a whore.

- Edward Dahlberg.

 

When women kiss, it always reminds me of prize-fighters shaking hands.

- H.L. Menken.

 

To err is human - but it feels divine.

- Mae West.

 

A woman will flirt with anyone in the world as long as other people are looking on.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

….why haven’t women got labels on their foreheads saying, ‘Danger: Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, genitals, current account, confidence, razor blades and good standing among your friends.’

- Jeffrey Bernard.

 

Women are like elephants to me; they’re nice to look at but I wouldn’t want to own one.

- W.C. Fields.

 

Boys don’t make passes

At female smartasses.

- Letty Cottin Pogrebin.

 

You will find that the woman who is really kind to dogs is always one who has failed to inspire sympathy in men.

- Max Beerbohm.

 

A: Do you believe in clubs for women?

B: Only if every other form of persuasion fails.

- Max Kauffmann.

 

Eric: Who was that lady I seen you with last night?

Ernie: You mean, ‘I saw’.

Eric: Sorry. Who was that eyesore I seen you with last night?

- Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise.

 

Eric: She’s a lovely girl….I’d like to marry her, but her family objects.

Ernie: Her family?

Eric: Yes, her husband and four kids.

- Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise.

 

Nothing in our culture, not even home computers, is more overrated than the epidermal felicity of two featherless bipeds in desperate congress.

- Quentin Crisp.

 

The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to someone else, if she is plain.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

In the duel of sex, woman fights from a dreadnought and man from an open raft.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

It is assumed that the woman must wait, motionless, until she is wooed. That is how the spider waits for the fly.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

In the sex-war, thoughtlessness is the weapon of the male, vindictiveness of the female.

- Cyril Conolly.

 

Men play the game; women know the score.

- Roger Woddis.

 

The difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

- Brendan Francis.

 

Lady Rumpers: And then you took me.

Sir Percy: I took you? You took me. Your Land Army breeches came down with a fluency born of long practice.

- Allen Bennett.

 

Wicksteed: What did he look like?

Lady Rumpers: As I say there was a black-out. I saw his face only in the fitful light of a post-coital Craven A.

- Allen Bennett.

 

Stan Waltz has decided to take unto himself a wife but he hasn’t decided yet whose….

- Peter De Vries.

 

I said to my wife, ‘Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in this road except one.’ And she said, ‘I’ll bet it’s that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23.’

- Max Kauffmann.

 

Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love: it is the faithless who know love’s tragedies.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

Secretary (to boss): I do think it was terribly sweet of you to have our initials strip-mined in the Nevada desert, but Mr Hargrave, I already have a boyfriend.

- T. Haggerty.

 

Alcestis had exercised a mysterious attraction and then an unmysterious repulsion on two former husbands, the second of whom had to resort to fatal coronary disease to get away from her.

- Kingsley Amis.

 

‘My executive often arrives at the apartment exhausted and emotionally detached after a hard day of corporate manipulation and chicanery,’ says Karen C. (not her real initial). ‘He depends on me to raise his lowered interest rate and stimulate his private sector.’

- Off The Wall Street Journal.

 

Infatuation is when you think that he’s as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen and as athletic as Jimmy Connors. Love is when you realise that he’s as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford - but you’ll take him anyway.

- Judith Viorst.

 

A bird in the bed is worth two in the bushes.

- Lambert Jeffries.

 

He gave her a look you could have poured on a waffle.

- Ring Lardner.

 

Her dachshund, she said, was oversexed. Could I please do something to damp his ardour. Well, indeed I could. I recommended the remedy that has damped male ardour since time began. I found him a wife.

- Buster Lloyd-Jones.

 

If a man and woman, entering a room together, close the door behind them, the man will come out sadder and the woman wiser.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

- Woody Allen.

 

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic….

- Woody Allen.

 

The citizens’ Committee to Clean Up New York’s Porn-Infested Areas continued its series of rallies today, as a huge throbbing, pulsating crowd sprang erect from nowhere and forced its way into the steaming nether region surrounding the glistening, sweaty intersection of Eighth Avenue and Forty-Second Street. Thrusting, driving, pushing its way into the usually receptive neighbourhood, the excited throng, now grown five times its original size, rammed itself again and again and again into the quivering, perspiring, musty dankness, fluctuating between eager anticipation and trembling revulsion. Now, suddenly, the tumescent crowd and the irresistible area were one heaving, alternately melting and thawing turgid entity, ascending to heights heretofore unexperienced. Then, with a gigantic, soul-searching, heart-stopping series of eruptions, it was over. Afterwards, the crowd had a cigarette and went home.

- ‘Weekend Update’, NBC TV.

 

People who are not in love fail to understand how an intelligent man can suffer because of a very ordinary woman. This is like being surprised that anyone should be stricken with cholera because of a creature so insignificant as the common bacillus.

- Marcel Proust.

 

First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time.

- Honore De Balzac.

 

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

- Stephen Lealock.

 

She’s the original good time girl that was had by all.

- Bette Davis, of another actor.

 

‘Has it ever occurred to you that in your promiscuous pursuit of women you are merely trying to assuage your subconscious fears of sexual impotence?’

‘Yes, sir, it has.’

‘Then why do you do it?’

‘To assuage my fears of sexual impotence.’

- Joseph Heller, Catch-22.

 

What is a promiscuous person? It’s usually someone who is getting more sex than you are.

- Victor Lownes.

 

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

- Mae West.

 

Platonic love is love from the neck up.

- Thyra Samter Winslow.

 

People who are sensible about love are incapable of it.

- Douglas Yates.

 

She plucked from my lapel the invisible strand of lint (the universal act of women to proclaim ownership).

- O. Henry.

 

I like the girls who do,

I like the girls who don’t;

I hate the girl who says she will

And then she says she won’t.

But the girl that I like best of all

And I think you’ll say I’m right -

Is the one who says she never has

But looks as though she….

‘Ere, listen….

- Max Miller.

 

Sexual intercourse began

In nineteen sixty-three

(Which was rather late for me) -

Between the end of the Chatterley ban

And the Beatles’ first L.P.

- Phillip Larkin.

 

The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance of the woman.

- Honore De Balzac

 

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

- P.J. O’Rourke.

 

The Art of Love: Knowing how to combine the temperament of a vampire with the discretion of an anemone.

- E.M. Cioran.

 

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve the continuation of the species.

- W. Somerset Maugham.

 

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it is the triumphant twang of a bedspring.

- S.J. Perelman (Attrib.)

 

I can see from your utter misery, from your eagerness to misunderstand each other, and from your thoroughly bad temper, that this is the real thing.

- Peter Ustinov.

 

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.

- Judith Viorst.

 

Love is based on a view of women that is impossible to those who have had any experience with them.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anaesthesia.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

When we want to read of the deeds that are done for love, whither do we turn? To the murder column.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

Love is two minutes fifty-two seconds of squishing noises. It shows your mind isn't clicking right.

- Johnny Rotten.

 

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

Almost all of our relationships begin and most of them continue as forms of mutual exploitation, a mental or physical barter, to be terminated when one or both parties run out of goods.

- W.H. Auden.

 

It’s not the men in my life that count; it’s the life in my men.

- Mae West.

 

No nice men are good at getting taxis.

- Katherine Whitehorn.

 

The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle, complimentary way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.

- F.Scott Fitzgerald.

 

- My mother made me a homosexual.

- If I gave her the wool, would she make me one too?

- Graffiti, London, 1978

 

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."

 

My sex life isn’t dead, but the vultures are circling.

 

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

 

The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water: not before or after, but instead.

 

I once knew a woman who offered her honour

So I honoured her offer. And all night long I was on her and off her.

 

An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it, the harder it gets.

 

The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.

 

I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.

 
The reason most people sweat is so they will not catch fire while they are making love.
 
Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.
 
Erotica is what turns me on. Pornography is what turns you on. Obscene is what turns them on.

 

If love be timid it is not true.

- Spanish proverb.
 

Would you like to sin

With Eleanor Glynn

On a tiger skin?

Or would you prefer

To err with her

On some other fur?

 

Masturbation is great - and you don't have to take your hand out to dinner afterwards and talk to it about it's problems.

 

Q: How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
A: Pi'tew... Spit... Pi'tew... Spit...

 

Silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

 

A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers. It was clearly platoonic.

 

My sex life isn’t dead, but the vultures are circling.

 

What's the best form of birth control after 60?
Nudity.

 

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 45 minutes.

 

When you’re cute, you’re cute, with or without your clothes.

 

‘Disarm all rapists’. - it’s not their arms I’m worried about.

 

Anti-social diseases are a sore point.

 

The difference between erotic sex and exotic sex: Erotic sex involves the use of a feather, whereas in exotic sex the whole chicken is used.

 

There is nothing so overrated as a bad fuck and nothing so underrated as a good shit.

 

Sex is like air - it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

 

Sex is bad for one. But it’s good for two.

- T-shirt, London.

 

Great Legs - what time do they open.

 

www.sex@myplace.now.com.

 

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

 

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

- His hand caught fire.

 

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

- 1 U.S. leader.

 

Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?

- She's withholding evidence.

 

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

- Beat it - we're closed.

 

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

 

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one little busted condom.

 

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

 

I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.

 

Is a lesbian a pansy without a stalk?

 

I'm a fairy. My name is Nuff. Fairynuff.

 

Buggery is boring. Incest is relatively boring. Necrophilia is dead boring.

 

I might not go down in history,

But I’ll go down on your little sister.

 

They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.

 

Sodom is a Summer festival - Gomorrah the merrier.

 

Sean Connery has agreed to do one more James Bond movie. The villain is a doctor who is a proctologist. The movie title will be “Dr. Coldfinger.”

 

She Wouldn't Let Me Kiss Her in the Canoe
So I Had to Paddle Her Back.

 

Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

 

When two nuns were in a railway carriage, a man exposed himself. One fainted and the other had a stroke.

 

The old perfesser was watching television when he screamed, “Mother, git in here right now. You won’t believe the perverted thing they’re showing on TV.”

His wife walked in, took one look, then said, “Put your glasses on, you old goat. That’s just Castro eating a banana.”

 

What’s the best form of birth control after 60?

Nudity.

 

No matter how you shake your peg, the last wee drop runs down your leg.

 

GR8NBED.

 

Oh do not touch me.

“    “    “      “

“    “    “

“    “

 

Possible Slogans Promoting National Condom Week

- Cover Your Stump Before You Hump.

- Before You Attack Her, Wrap Your Whacker.

- Don't Be Silly, Protect Your Willy.

- When In Doubt, Shroud Your Spout.

- Don't Be A Loner, Cover Your Boner.

- You Can't Go Wrong If You Shield Your Dong.

- If You're Not Goin To Sack It, Go Home And Whack It.

- If You Think She's Spunky Cover Your Monkey.

- If You Slip Between Her Thighs, Be Sure To Condomize.

- It Will Be Sweeter If You Wrap Your Peter.

- If You Go Into Heat, Package Your Meat.

- Especially In December, Gift Wrap Your Member.

- Never, Never Deck Her With An Unwrapped Pecker.

- Dont Be A Fool, Vulcanize Your Tool.

- The Right Selection Will Protect Your Erection.

- Wrap It In Foil Before Checking Her Oil.

- A Crank With Armour Will Never Harm Her.

- No Glove, No Love!

 

Drivers - don't pull out to avoid a child - you could fall off the bed.

 

The important things in life:
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is VERY important that these three women never meet.

 

In a recent survey about women’s legs, 19% of men liked women with thin legs, 34% liked women with fat legs, and the remaining 47% liked something in between.

 

Men give love to get sex, women give sex to get love.

 

‘Support wild life’ - vote for an orgy.

 

Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.

 

LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR - but remember to draw the blinds first.

 

Familiarity breeds attempt.

 

Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

 

Pornography is in the groin of the beholder.

 

To all you virgins... thanks for nothing.

 

My kid had sex with your honour student.

 

 

Sexual T-Shirt Slogans:

 

I Choked Linda Lovelace.

 

Got the Urge to Merge.

 

Wink, I'll do the rest.

 

Niagara Falls? Viagra Better.

 

Don’t be sexist - broads hate that.

 

Good Girls Go To Heaven, Bad Girls Go Down.

 

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

 

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

 

A perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 am.
 

I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.

 

Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

 

Masturbation is a waste of fucking time.

 

Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

 

Get back to grass roots: fornicate on the lawn.

 

Vaseline makes the coming easy and the going slippery.

 

I'm so horny the crack of dawn better watch it.

 

Here’s to all the kisses I’ve snatched, and vice versa.

 

Incest - the game the whole family can play.

 

Call it incest - but I want my mummy.

 

I like feminists; I think they’re cute.

 

Feel Superior - become a nun.

 

A fertile imagination is no compensation for vasectomy.

 

VD is nothing to clap about.

 

Virginity can be cured.

 

Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

 

If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

 

Why, you’ve got the whitest teeth I’d ever want to come across.

 

I thought that innuendo was an Italian suppository until I discovered Smirnoff.

 

Snow White thought 7-UP was a soft drink until she discovered Smirnoff.

 

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

 

Genitals prefer blondes.

 

Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection.

 

Papal decree - no masturbating in the afterlife.

 

LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR - regularly.

 

I think sex is better than logic but I can’t prove it

 

If sex is a pain in the arse - you're doing it wrong.

 

Knock softly but firmly - I like soft firm knockers.

 

Love makes the world go down.

 

It's 12" long but I don't use it as a rule.

 

When the lights are out all women are beautiful.

 

Men come in three sizes: Small, Medium, and Oh My God!

 

Naughty Boy. Go To My Room.

 

I Wish These Were Brains.

 

Bad to the Boner.

 

Uranus. Where your prison-mate launches his probe.

 

Save the lap dance for me.

 

Liquor in the front. Poker in the rear.

 

Rub My Lantern And See My Genie!

 

I like doing my own thing, except when I can get a date.

 

Life Is Hard And So Am I.

 

One of us is thinking about sex.....O.K., now it's two.

 

Boner Appetité

 

Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty. Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future. After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

 

An Argentine gaucho named Bruno

Once said, ‘There is something I do know:

A woman is fine

And a sheep is divine,

But a llama is Numero Uno!

 

In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact.

 

I try to ration myself. I only think about girls on days that begin with the letter T. Today, Tomorrow Thursday, Thighday, Thaturday and Thunday.

 

How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard!

 

My lady, be wary of Cupid, and list to the lines of this verse.

To let a fool kiss you is stupid, to let a kiss fool you is worse.

 

Robin Dunbar, professor of psychology at the University of Liverpool, has been trawling through hundreds of “Boy meets girl...” ads in American newspapers. What they found makes depressing reading for true romantics. The “bids” for partners placed in these columns fit all too neatly the expectations of evolutionary biology and the conventional wisdom of centuries.

In the Lonely Hearts world, men are seeking women of the age and shape that signal high fertility - just the right women to help them maximise their reproductive success. And the women turn out to be looking for partners with money and status - the resources they need for maximising their reproductive success. And people who don’t have everything prove adept at knowing just how much to lower their sights. As rich men age, they gradually stop looking for Venuses who are quite so youthful. - Editorial in New Scientist magazine, February 1995.

 

Gender Assignations:

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
 
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
 
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TYRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
 
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
 
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
 
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.
 
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
 
REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

 

SICKNESS

 

All sorts of bodily diseases are produced by half-used minds.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright  Now-oooooooow.

- Billy Conolly.

 

The mood is beabig brighdly, love;

The sdars are shidig too;

While I ab gazig dreabidy,

Add thigkig, love, of you.

You caddot, oh! You caddot kdow,

By darlig, how I biss you -

(Oh, whadt a fearful cold I’ve got! -

Ck-TISH-u! Ck-ckTISH-u!)

- Charles Follen Adams.

 

One of the minor pleasures in life is to be slightly ill.

- Harold Nicholson.

 

After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

- W.C. Fields.

 

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

- Steve Martin.

 

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

- Spike Milligan.

 

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

- Billy Connolly.

 

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

- Walter Matthau.

 

What do you get when you kiss a bird?

Chirpies.

It’s a canarial disease.

Don’t laugh!

There’s no tweetment!

 

Never mistake asthma for passion.

 

Whenever you feel blue….start breathing again.

 

I’ve got Parkinson’s Disease. And he’s got mine.

 

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

 

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having two recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”

The doc replies, “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”

 

Hypochondria is the only disease I don’t have.

 

SILENCE

 

If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.

- Earl Wilson.

 

The older I grow the more I listen to people who don't talk much.

- Germain G. Glien.

 

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

- Martin Farquhar Tupper, Of Discretion, Proverbial Philosophy.

 

The true genius shudders at incompleteness - and usually prefers silence to saying something which is not everything it should be.

- Edgar Allan Poe.

 

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

- Dorothy Nevill.

 

Among my most prized possessions are words that I have never spoken.

- Orson Rega Card.

 

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.

- Josh Billings.

 

Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.

- Pubilius Syrus.

 

It is better to keep one's mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and resolve all doubt.

- Abraham Lincoln.

 

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

- Robert Charles Benchley.

 

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

- Will Rogers.

 

The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't being said.

 

An inability to stay quiet is one of the most conspicuous failings of mankind.

- Walter Bagehot.

 

Nowadays most men lead lives of noisy desperation.

- James Thurber.

 

The Arctic expresses the sum of all wisdom: Silence.

- Walter Bauer.

 

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.

- Josh Billings.

 

Silence - that unbearable repartee.

- G.K. Chesterton.

 

A man is known for the silence he keeps.

- Oliver Herford.

 

Silence - the most perfect expression of scorn.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

Don't speak unless you can improve on the silence.

- Spanish Proverb.

 

It can show a very fine command of language to say nothing.

 

Blessed are they that have nothing to say and who cannot be persuaded to say it.

 

The easiest way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.

 

SIMPLICITY

 

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.

- Albert Einstein

 

People love chopping wood. In this activity one immediately sees results.

- Albert Einstein.

 

To poke a wood fire is more solid enjoyment than almost anything else in the world.

- Charles Dudley Warner.

 

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction.

- E.F. Schumacker.

 

Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.

- Lin Yutang.

 

Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.

- Leonardo DaVinci.

 

Anything simple always interests me.

- David Hockney.

 

I go about looking at horses and cattle. They eat grass, make love, work when they have to, bear their young. I am sick with envy of them.

- Sherwood Anderson.

 

The true Indian sets no price upon either his property or his labour. His generosity is limited only by his strength and ability. He regards it as an honour to be selected for difficult or dangerous service and would think it shameful to ask for any reward, saying rather: Let the person I serve express his thanks according to his own bringing up and his sense of honour.

- Ohiyesa of the Santee Sioux (Charles Alexander Eastman).

 

Who is rich? He who rejoices in his portion.

- The Talmud.

 

Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.

- Lao Tzu.

 

We don't need to increase our goods nearly as much as we need to scale down our wants. Not wanting something is as good as possessing it.

- Donald Horban.

 

SKIING

 

There are really only three things to learn in skiing:  how to put on your skis, how to slide downhill, and how to walk along the hospital corridor.

- Lord Mancroft, A Chinaman in the Bath.

 

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.

- Erma Bombeck.

 

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

- Dave Barry.

 

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

- Steven Wright.

 

Stretch pants - the garment that made skiing a spectator sport.

 

Skiing is the only sport where you spend an arm and a leg to break an arm and a leg.

 

SLEEP

 

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

- Fred Allen.

 

The great artist in sleep is the domestic cat. Who has ever seen a cat attempting to sleep by sitting bolt upright in a train, then allowing itself to sag to one side, roll its eyes upwards, and open its mouth till its teeth nearly fall out.

- Hylton Cleaver.

 

Late last night I killed my wife,

Stretched her on the parquet flooring;

I was loath to take her life,

But I had to stop her snoring.

- Harry Graham.

 

No civilised person goes to bed the same day he gets up.

- Richard Harding Davis.

 

12.35 p.m. - The phone rings. I am not amused. This is not my favourite way to wake up. My favourite way to wake up is to have a certain French movie star whisper to me softly at two-thirty in the afternoon that if I want to get to Sweden in time to pick up my Nobel Prize for Literature I had better ring for breakfast. This occurs rather less often than one might wish.

- Fran Lebowitz.

 

No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap.

- Carrie Snow.

 

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

- Leo J. Burke.

 

His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours.

- Arthur Baer.

 

Sleep is perverse as human nature,

Sleep is perverse as legislature....

So people who go to bed to sleep

Must count French premiers or sheep,

And people who ought to arise from bed

Yawn and go back to sleep instead.

- Ogden Nash, Read This Vibrant Exposé.

 

The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night's sleep.

- E. Joseph Cossman.

 

Early to rise and early to bed

Makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead.

- James Thurber, Fables for Our Times.

 

How do people go to sleep? I'm afraid I've lost the knack. I might try busting myself smartly over the temple with the night-light. I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn things.

- Dorothy Parker.

 

Eric: You know, I heard something this morning that really opened my eyes.

Ernie: What was it?

Eric: An alarm clock.

- Eric Morcambe and Ernie Wise.

 

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.

- Irish Proverb.

 

I'm not asleep... but that doesn't mean I'm awake.

 

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

 

Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation.

 

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.

 

There is no hope for a civilization which starts each day to the sound of an alarm clock.

 

If all the people who snored in church were laid end to end, they would be a lot more comfortable.

 

SMILES

 

She gave me a smile I could feel in my hip pocket.

- Raymond Chandler.

 

He smiled, bunching his fat cheeks like twin rolls of smooth pink toilet paper.

- Nathaniel West.

 

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

- Mark Twain, Following the Equator.

 

A laugh is a smile that bursts.

- Mary H. Waldrip.

 

No matter how grouchy you're feeling,

You'll find the smile more or less healing.

It grows in a wreath

All around the front teeth -

Thus preserving the face from congealing.

- Anthony Euwer.

 

What magic there is in a girl’s smile. It is the raisin which, dropped in the yeast of male complacency, induces fermentation.

- P.G. Wodehouse.

 

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

- W.C. Fields.

 

A smile confuses an approaching frown.

 

Smile! It’s the second best thing you can do with two lips.

 

If you smile at someone, they might smile back.

 

A friendly look, a kindly smile,

One good act, and life's worthwhile.

 

Keep smiling - it makes people wonder what you've been up to.

 

If you would like to spoil the day for a grouch, give him a smile.

 

A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it.

 

SMOKING

 

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times.

- Mark Twain.

 

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."

- Dave Barry.

 

I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well.  So I gave up cigarettes.  Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought:  "Oh well," and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.

- Benny Hill.

 

If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

- Douglas Adams.

 

Tobacco is a dirty weed. I like it.

It satisfies no normal need. I like it.

It makes you thin, it makes you lean,

It takes the hair right off your bean

It's the worst darn stuff I've ever seen.

I like it.

- Graham Lee Hemminger, Tobacco.

 

On CBS Radio the news of Ed Murrow's death, reportedly from lung cancer, was followed by a cigarette commercial.

- Alexander Kendrick.

 

Thank heaven, I have given up smoking again!....God! I feel fit.  Homicidal, but fit. A different man. Irritable, moody, depressed, rude, nervy, perhaps; but the lungs are fine.

- A.P. Herbert.

 

Putting smokers and non-smokers in the same room is like having a urinating and a non-urinating section in a swimming pool.
- Ross Parker.

 

Thank you for Not Smoking. Cigarette smoke is the residue of your pleasure. It contaminates the air, pollutes my hair and clothes, not to mention my lungs. This takes place without my consent.  I have a pleasure, also. I like a beer now and then.  The residue of my pleasure is urine. Would you be annoyed if I stood on a chair and pissed on your head and your clothes without your consent?

- Sign from Ken's Magic Shop.

 

As ye smoke, so shall ye reek.

 

Blow your mind - smoke dynamite.

 

Ashes to ashes; dust to dust;

If cigarettes don’t get you, the atmosphere must.

 

Anyone found smoking in the rest room will be put on the next flight to Cleveland

 

One thousand Americans stop smoking every day - by dying.

 

If you must smoke, take your butt outside.

 

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your cigarettes.

 

Cigarettes are killers that travel in packs.

 

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

 

The cigarette does the smoking - you're just the sucker.

 

I read in Reader’s Digest that cigarettes are bad for you. So I had to give up reading Reader’s Digest.

 

I tried switching to gum, but I couldn’t keep it lit.

 

Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.

 

9 out of 10 men who try Camels prefer women

 

SOCIETY

 

I think we risk becoming the best informed society that has ever died of ignorance.

- Reuben Blades.

 

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

- Krishnamurti.

 

Our modern society is engaged in polishing and decorating the cage in which man is kept imprisoned.

- Swami Nirmalananda, Enlightened Anarchism.

 

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

- Steven Wright.

 

We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe.

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

 

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

- Dwight D. Eisenhower, first inaugural address, 20 January 1953.

 

Perhaps in time the so-called Dark Ages will be thought of as including our own.

- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg.

 

When people go to work, they shouldn't have to leave their hearts at home.

- Betty Bender.

 

In these times you have to be an optimist to open your eyes when you awake in the morning.

- Carl Sandburg, New York Post.

 

Choice has always been a privilege of those who could afford to pay for it.

- Ellen Frankfort.

 

The trouble with our age is that it is all signposts and no destination.

- The War Cry.

 

We have produced a world of contented bodies and discontented minds.

- Adam Clayton Powell, Keep the Faith, Baby!

 

The thoughts of Plato and Machiavelli....don't seem quite enough armour for a world beset with splitting the atoms, urban guerrillas, nineteen varieties of psychotherapists, amplified guitars, napalm, computers, astronauts, and an atmosphere polluted simultaneously with auto exhaust and TV commercials.

- John Fischer.

 

One of the definitions of sanity is the ability to tell real from unreal. Soon we'll need a new definition.

- Alvin Toffler.

 

The world is so dreadfully managed, one hardly knows to whom to complain.

- Ronald Firbank.

 

Failure seems to be regarded as the one unpardonable crime, success as the all-redeeming virtue, the acquisition of wealth as the single worthy aim of life. The hair-raising revelations of skulduggery and grand-scale thievery merely incite others to surpass by yet bolder outrages and more corrupt combinations.

- Charles Francis Adams.

 

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do now.

- Will Rogers.

 

I don't believe medical discoveries are doing much to advance human life. As fast as we create ways to extend it we are inventing ways to shorten it.

- Christiaan Barnard.

 

The men of the technostructure are the new and universal priesthood. Their religion is business success; their test of virtue is growth and profit.  Their bible is the computer printout; their communion bench is the committee room.

- J.K. Galbraith, The Age of Uncertainty.

 

The three horrors of modern life - talk without meaning, desire without love, work without satisfaction.

- Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook.

 

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

- Marcus Aurelius.

 

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

- Dave Barry, Dave Barry Turns 50.

 

Everything is for the eye these days - TV, Life, Look, the movies.  Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eyeballs as big as cantaloupes and no brain at all.

- Fred Allen.

 

Death is losing its terror. It is the emergency exit for a world that is becoming more frightening than death ever was.

- Julian Green, Diary, 28 December 1958.

 

We have a system that increasingly taxes work and subsidizes nonwork.

- Milton Friedman.

 

If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.

 

SOLITUDE

 

Man loves company even if it is only that of a small burning candle.

- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg.

 

We live in a very tense society.  We are pulled apart....and we all need to learn how to pull ourselves together....I think that at least part of the answer lies in solitude.

- Helen Hayes.

 

Only in quiet waters do things mirror themselves undistorted. Only in a quiet mind is adequate perception of the world.

- Hans Margolius.

 

When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death - ourselves.

- Eda LeShan.

 

The happiest of all lives is a busy solitude.

- Voltaire.

 

Loneliness can be conquered only by those who can bear solitude.

- Paul Tillich.

 

SPEAKERS & SPEECHES

 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns.

 

A speaker who does not strike oil in ten minutes should stop boring.

- Louis Nizer.

 

Speeches are like babies - easy to conceive but hard to deliver.

- Pat O’Malley.

 

What orators lack in depth they make up for in length.

- Charles de Secondat.

 

Nothing is said that has not been said before.

- Terence, 79BC.

 

Be sincere; be brief; be seated.

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

 

The difference between a smart man and a wise man is that a smart man knows what to say, a wise man knows whether or not to say it.

- Frank M. Garafola.

 

In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet.

- Winston Churchill.

 

Two monologues do not make a dialogue.

- Jeff Daly.

 

Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness.

- Margaret Millar.

 

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

- Ambrose Bierce.

 

Coolidge was known for his terse speech and reticence.  A woman bet her friend that she could get Coolidge to speak to her, which was something he was reluctant to do.  She went up to him and said: "Hello, Mr. President, I bet my friend that I could get you to say three words to me."  "You lose," Coolidge replied dryly, and walked away.

 

Calvin: Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak.

Hobbes: Probably so we can think twice.

- Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes.

 

Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument an exchange of ignorance.

- Robert Quillen.

 

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

- Wendell Johnson.

 

Be sincere; be brief; be seated.

- Franklin D. Roosevelt, on speechmaking.

 

Always be shorter than anybody dared to hope.

- Lord Reading, on speechmaking.

 

I just wish my mouth had a backspace key.

 

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

 

When you're arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.

 

An after-dinner speech should be like a lady’s dress: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to be interesting.

 

The best way to sound like you know what you're talking about is to know what you're talking about.

 

SPELLING & TYPING

 

I can type /ust as well as any blesed girl If I ggive my mInd to iT.

- A.P. Herbert.

 

Anyone who can only think of only one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.

- Mark Twain.

 

Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union.

- P.J. O'Rourke.

 

Bad spellers of the world untie.

 

SPORT

 

Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play . . . . It is war minus the shooting.

- George Orwell.

 

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

- Dave Barry.

 

If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.

- Homer Simpson, The Simpsons.

 

If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing your grandmother with her teeth out.

- George Brett.

 

I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense.
- H.L. Mencken.

 

The trouble with referees is that they just don't care which side wins.

- Tom Canterbury.

 

Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.

- Erma Bombeck.

 

I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give it up. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football. And I have 20-20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee.

- Jay Leno.

 

BADBINTON

Ernie: Excuse me, won’t you - I’m a little stiff from badminton.

Eric: It doesn’t matter where you’re from.

- Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise.

 

BASEBALL

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.

- Dave Barry.

 

BILLIARDS

It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

BOWLS

If only Hitler and Mussolini could have a good game of bowls once a week at Geneva, I feel that Europe would not be as troubled as it is.

- R.G. Briscow.

 

BOXING

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

- Jack Handey.

 

I was called "Rembrandt" Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.

- Bob Hope.

 

Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up.

- Muhammad Ali.

 

I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my bedroom and was in bed before the room was dark.

- Muhammad Ali.

 

CRICKET

Cricket - here is a game so doggedly peculiar and dangerous that no foreign nations ... have ever adopted it.

- Peter Ustinov.

 

To the spectators, cricket is more a therapy than a sport. It is like watching fish dart about a pool.

- Michael Wale.

 

Oh God, if there be cricket in heaven, let there also be rain.

- Alec Douglas Home.

 

DOMINOES

Of course I have played outdoor games. I once played dominoes in an open air cafe in Paris.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

FISHING

People who fish for food, and sport be damned, are called pot-fishermen. The more expert ones are called crack pot-fishermen. All other fishermen are called crackpot fishermen. This is confusing.

- Ed Zern.

 

There is certainly something in angling that tends to produce a serenity of the mind.

- Washington Irving.

 

It has always been my private conviction that any man who pits his intelligence against a fish and loses has it coming.

- John Steinbeck.

 

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

- Doug Larson.

 

There he stands, draped in more equipment than a telephone lineman, trying to outwit an organism with a brain no bigger than a breadcrumb, and getting licked in the process.

- Paul O'Neil.

 

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

- Steven Wright.

 

The charm of fishing is that it is the pursuit of what is elusive but attainable, a perpetual series of occasions for hope.

- John Buchan.

 

Three-fourths of the Earth's surface is water, and one-fourth is land. It is quite clear that the good Lord intended us to spend triple the amount of time fishing as taking care of the lawn.

- Chuck Clark.

 

Even eminent chartered accountants are known, in their capacity as fishermen, blissfully to ignore differences between seven and ten inches, half a pound and two pounds, three fish and a dozen fish.

- William Sherwood Fox, Silken Lines and Silver Hooks.

 

...catching fish is as incidental to fishing as making babies is to fucking.

- William Humphrey.

 

If you've got short, stubby fingers and wear reading glasses, any relaxation you would normally derive from fly fishing is completely eliminated when you try to tie on a fly.

- Jack Ohman, Fear of Fly Fishing.

 

Bass fishermen watch Monday night football, drink beer, drive pickup trucks and prefer noisy women with big breasts. Trout fishermen watch MacNeil-Lehrer, drink white wine, drive foreign cars with passenger-side air bags and hardly think about women at all. This last characteristic may have something to do with the fact that trout fishermen spend most of the time immersed up to the thighs in ice-cold water.

 

"Carpe Diem" does not mean "fish of the day."

 

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

An angler is a man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers doing nothing because his wife won't let him do it at home.

 

Fishing is the sport of drowning worms

 

Women want me. Fish fear me.

 

FOOTBALL

I would have thought that the knowledge that you are going to be leapt upon by half-a-dozen congratulatory, but sweaty team-mates would be inducement not to score a goal.

- Arthur Marshall.

 

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

- Erma Bombeck.

 

GOLF

If I had my way, any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

 

A: Why aren’t you playing golf with the colonel any more?

B: What! Would you play with a man who swears and curses with every shot, who cheats in the bunkers and who enters false scores on his cards?

A: Certainly not!

B: Well neither will the colonel.

- Freddie Oliver.

 

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.

 

You're going to go ballistic.

- Understatement of the year from caddie Miles Byrne, before telling golfer Ian Woosnam he had 15 clubs in his bag - one more than the maximum allowed  - at the  start of the final round of The US Open Championship.

 

The number of shots taken by an opponent who is out of sight is equal to the square root of the sum of the number of curses heard plus the number of swishes.

- Michael Green, The Art of Coarse Golf.

 

I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game: it's called an eraser.

- Arnold Palmer.

 

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

- Jack Lemmon.

 

Golf is like a love affair. If you don't take it seriously, it's no fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart.

- Arthur Daley.

 

Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her.

- Val Doonican.

 

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

- Dave Barry.

 

Talking about golf is always boring. (Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.)

- Dave Barry.

 

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

- Phyllis Diller.

 

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, and your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."

 

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

- Mark Twain.

 

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

- Henry Youngman.

 

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

- Lee Trevino.

 

Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver. The sand wedge is far more effective.

- Huxtable Pippey.

 

I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators.

- Gerald Ford.

 

I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.

- Gerald Ford.

 

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.

- Lee Trevino.

 

Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course

- Lee Trevino.

 

The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows.

- P.G. Wodehouse.

 

There is one thing in this world that is dumber than playing golf. That is watching someone else playing golf. What do you actually get to see? Thirty-seven guys in polyester slacks squinting at the sun. Doesn't that set your blood racing?

- Peter Andrews.

 

Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf.

- Jack Benny.

 

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

- Al Boliska.

 

Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.

- Chi Chi Rodriguez.

 

His driving is unbelievable. I don't go that far on my holidays.

- Ian Baker-Finch, on John Daly.

 

One minute you're bleeding. The next minute you're haemorrhaging. The next minute you're painting the Mona Lisa.

- Mac O'Grady, describing a typical round of golf.

 

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

- Jack Lemmon.

 

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.

- John Updike.

 

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

- Joe E. Lewis.

 

All I've got against it is that it takes you so far from the clubhouse.

- Eric Linklater, Poet's Pub.

 

It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling.

- Mark Twain.

 

Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour.

 

The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling. The sport of choice for front-line workers is football. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf. Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

 

I've spent most of my life golfing... the rest I've just wasted.

 

May thy ball lie in green pastures... and not in still waters.

 

Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.

 

HOCKEY

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.

- Tiger Woods.

 

KARATE

Karate is a form of marital arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

- Dave Barry.

 

LACROSSE

I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.

- Robin Williams.

 

MOTOR RACING

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
- Mario Andretti.

 

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

- Dave Barry.

 

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

- Steven Wright.

 

POLO

Playing polo is like trying to play golf during an earthquake.

- Sylvester Stallone.

 

RUNNING

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

 

SKIING

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

- Dave Barry.

 

SKYDIVING

Skydiving..…good ‘till the last drop.

 

TENNIS

Ladies, here's a hint. If you're up against a girl with big boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's the hardest shot for the well-endowed.

- Billie Jean King.

 

Though your game is hardly the best

You can fray your opponent's nerves

By methodically bouncing the ball

At least ten times before your serves.

- Arnold J. Zarett.

 

An otherwise happily married couple may turn a mixed doubles game into a scene from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.

- Rod Laver.

 

A perfect combination of violent action taking place in an atmosphere of total tranquillity.

- Billie Jean King.

 

In tennis the addict moves about a hard rectangle and seeks to ambush a fuzzy ball with a modified snow-shoe.

- Elliot Chaze.

 

It's one-on-one out there, man. There ain't no hiding. I can't pass the ball.

- Pete Sampras.

 

WRESTLING

Professional wrestling's most mysterious hold is on its audience.

- Luke Neely.

 

STATISTICS

 

Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

- Aaron Levenstein.

 

Say you were standing with one foot in the oven and one foot in an ice bucket. According to the percentage people, you should be perfectly comfortable.

- Bobby Bragan.

 

There are three kinds of lies - lies, damned lies and statistics.

- Benjamin Disraeli.

 

Torture numbers, and they'll confess to anything.

- Gregg Easterbrook.

 

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts - for support rather than for illumination.

- Andrew Lang.

 

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

- David Letterman.

 

Then there is the man who drowned crossing a stream with an average depth of six inches.

- W.I.E. Gates.

 

I always find that statistics are hard to swallow and impossible to digest.  The only one I can ever remember is that if all the people who go to sleep in church were laid end to end they would be a lot more comfortable.

- Mrs. Robert A. Taft.

 

The death of one man is a tragedy. The death of millions is a statistic.

- Joe Stalin, comment to Churchill at Potsdam, 1945.

 

If all those sweet young co-eds were laid end to end, I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised.

- Dorothy Parker, of the Yale Prom.

 

If all the people who sleep through after dinner speeches were laid end to end, they would be a lot more comfortable.

 

Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.

 

63.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

STATUS

 

When everyone is somebody

Then no-one’s anybody.

- W.S. Gilbert.

 

She balanced her dignity on the tip of her nose.

- Heywood Brown.

 

Working for the Botswana DCA is like smoking dope - the more you suck, the higher you get.

 

Just think - maybe the Joneses are trying to keep up with you.

 

Forget the Joneses, I'm keeping up with the Simpsons.

 

The longer the title, the less important the job.

 

STRESS & RELAXATION

 

The man who doesn't relax and hoot a few hoots voluntarily, now and then, is in great danger of hooting hoots and standing on his head for the edification of the pathologist and trained nurse, a little later on.

- Elbert Hubbard.

 

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.

- Lily Tomlin.

 

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

- Will Rogers, Autobiography.

 

There are an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job.

- Peter Drucker.

 

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

- Bertrand Russell.

 

To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring - it was peace.

- Milan Kundera.

 

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

- Jennifer Yane.

 

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

- Mohandas K. Gandhi.

 

Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you.

- John De Paola.

 

Years of sorrow and of care

Have made his head come through his hair.

- Harry Graham.

 

How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then to rest afterward.

- Spanish Proverb.

 

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise that you weren't asleep.

 

The mark of a successful man is one that has spent an entire day on the bank of a river without feeling guilty about it.

 

All stressed out and no-one to choke.

 

I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier.

 

There are two times I feel stress - day and night.

 

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into full hysteria.

 

I'm not paranoid!? Which of my enemies told you this?

 

STUPIDITY

 

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

- Albert Einstein

 

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

- Elbert Hubbard.

 

I’m hung like Einstein, and smart as a horse.
 
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
 
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
 
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
 
I’m not stupid. I’m hard of thinking.

 

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.

 

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

 

Your kid may be an honour student, but you're still an idiot.

 

I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

 

The best defence against logic is stupidity.

 

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

 

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

 

STYLE

 

In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

SUCCESS

 

Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.

- Albert Einstein.

 

If A is a success in life, than A equals X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z is keeping your mouth shut.

- Albert Einstein.

 

That man is successful who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much, who has gained the respect of the intelligent men and the love of children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who leaves the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who never lacked appreciation of earth's beauty or failed to express it; who looked for the best in others and gave the best he had.

- Robert Louis Stevenson.

 

You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play.

- Warren Beatty.

 

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.

- Christopher Lasch.

 

The penalty of success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.

- Nancy Astor.

 

Success didn’t spoil me; I’ve always been insufferable.

- Fran Lebowitz.

 

Our business in life is not to succeed, but to continue to fail in good spirits.

- Robert Louis Stevenson.

 

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

- Mark Twain.

 

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

- Mae West.

 

My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil

- Paul Getty.

 

I can't give you a sure-fire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time.

- Herbert Bayard Swope.

 

Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.

- George Smith Patton.

 

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

- Woody Allen.

 

If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.

- M.H. Alderson.

 

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.

- Winston Churchill.

 

There is no point at which you can say, "Well, I'm successful now. I might as well take a nap."

- Carrie Fisher.

 

Success: To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!

- Ralph Waldo Emerson.

 

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

- Earl Wilson.

 

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

- Arthur McAuliff.

 

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no use in being a damn fool about it.

- W.C. Fields.

 

It is wise to keep in mind that no success or failure is necessarily final.

 

The best way to succeed is to start from scratch….. and keep scratching.

 

My road to success is under construction.

 

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

 

When on the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!

 

The only road to success is always under construction.

 

My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes. And besides, he looks so cute in his valet parking attendant uniform.

 

If at first you don't succeed, do it like your mother told you.

 

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

 

Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.

 

Behind every successful man there stands an amazed woman.

 

Nothing succeeds like a parrot.

 

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

 

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

 

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

 

If at first you do succeed - try to hide your astonishment.

 

SUICIDE

 

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.

- H.L. Mencken.

 

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbours will say.

- Cyril Conolly.

 

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

- Johnny Carson.

 

Guns are always the best method for a private suicide. They are more stylish looking than single-edged razor blades and natural gas has become so expensive. Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalculate the dosage and just have a good time.

- P.J. O’Rourke.

 

The thought of suicide is a great consolation; with the help of it one has got through many a bad night.

- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche.

 

My work is done. Why wait?

- George Eastman, US inventor and industrialist - Suicide note.

 

Those who jump off Paris bridges are in Seine.

 

A man goes into the library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

 

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

 

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

 

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

 

SURPRISE

 

….Aunt Agatha, whose demeanour was now rather like that of one who, picking daisies on the railway, had just caught the down express in the small of the back.

- P.G. Wodehouse.

 

I don’t know if you have ever leaped between the sheets, all ready for a spot of sleep, and received an unforeseen lizard up the left pyjama leg? It’s an experience which puts its mark on a man.

- P.G. Wodehouse.

 

SWEARING & VULGARITY

 

Swearing was invented as a compromise between running and fighting.

- Finley Peter Dunne.

 

There are no dirty words, only dirty minds.

- Lenny Bruce.

 

Interviewer: You’ve been accused of vulgarity.

Brooks: Bullshit!

- Mel Brooks.

 

Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection.

 

SWITZERLAND

 

In Switzerland they have had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock.

- Graham Greene and Orson Welles.

 

The only interesting thing that can happen in a Swiss bedroom is suffocation by feather mattress.

- Dalton Trumbo.

 

….the train passed fruit farms and clean villages and Swiss cycling in kerchiefs, calendar scenes that you admire for a moment before feeling an urge to move on to a new month.

- Paul Theroux.

 

Since both of its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.

- Alan Coren.

 

The only nation I've ever been tempted to feel really racist about are the Swiss - a whole country of phobic hand-washers living in a giant Barclay's Bank.

 

SYMPATHY

 

When you are in trouble, people who call to sympathise are really looking for the particulars.

- Edgar Watson Howe.

 

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