The Jacana Curmudgeon

 

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Quotations V

 

 

VANITY & EGOTISM

 

There but for the grace of God, goes God.

- Winston Churchill, on Stafford Cripps.

 

I think a lot of Bernstein - but not as much as he does.

- Oscar Levant, of Leonard Bernstein.

 

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility. There are so few of us left.

- Oscar Levant.

 

I have little patience with anyone who is not self-satisfied. I am always pleased to see my friends, happy to be with my wife and family, but the high spot of every day is when I first catch a glimpse of myself in the shaving mirror.

- Robert Morley.

 

"I was saying," continued the Rocket, "I was saying - What was I saying?"
"You were talking about yourself," replied the Roman Candle.
"Of course; I knew I was discussing some interesting subject when I was so rudely interrupted."

- Oscar Wilde, The Remarkable Rocket.

 

Pride that dines on vanity, sups on contempt.

- Benjamin Franklin.

 

We speak little if not egged on by vanity.

- François de la Rochefoucauld.

 

What makes the vanity of others insupportable is that it wounds our own.

- François de la Rochefoucauld.

 

Never underestimate a man who overestimates himself.

- Franklin D. Roosevelt, on General Douglas MacArthur.

 

There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise.

- Gore Vidal.

 

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

Some of the greatest love affairs I’ve known involved one actor, unassisted.

- Wilson Mizner.

 

If we were not all so excessively interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it.

- Arthur Schopenhauer.

 

There are two kinds of egotists: Those that admit it and the rest of us.

- Laurence J. Peter.

 

Egotism is nature’s compensation for mediocrity.

- L.A. Safian.

 

Egotism is the anaesthetic that dulls the pains of stupidity.

- Frank Leahy.

 

At the feast of ego everybody goes hungry.

 

Conceit is God’s gift to little men.

 

Beauty's sister is vanity, and its daughter lust.

 

Awww, did I step on your poor wittie bitty ego?

 

VEGETARIANISM

 

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

- David Brenner.

 

If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian.

- Paul McCartney.

 

The beef industry has contributed to more American deaths than all the wars of this century, all natural disasters, and all automobile accidents combined.  If beef is your idea of "real food for real people" you'd better live real close to a real good hospital.

- Neal Barnard, M.D.

 

Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us....a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being....capable of actual affection....nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family.

- Berke Breathed, Bloom County Babylon.

 

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.

- Samuel Butler, Note-Books.

 

Vegetarianism is harmless enough, though it's apt to give a person wind and self-righteousness.

- Robert Hutchinson.

 

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."

- Andy Rooney.

 

We all love animals. Why do we call some "pets" and others "dinner?"

- K.D. Lang.

 

I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician.

- Marty Feldman.

 

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?

 

VICE & SIN

 

He who hates vices hates mankind.

- Thrasea.

 

There is more than a morsel of truth in the saying, "He who hates vice hates mankind."

- W. MacNeile Dixon.

 

My experience has taught me that a man who has no vices has damned few virtues.

- Abraham Lincoln.

 

The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin.

- Ogden Nash.

 

Sin is geographical.

- Bertrand Russell.

 

Vice is it’s own reward.

- Quentin Crisp.

 

My only aversion to vice,

Is the price.

- Victor Buono.

 

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

It has ever been my experience that folks who have no vices, have very few virtues.

- Abraham Lincoln.

 

Loud indignation against vice often stands for virtue in the eyes of bigots.

- J. Petit-Senn.

 

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

- Woody Allen.

 

The Anglo-Saxon conscience doesn't keep you from doing what you shouldn't; it just keeps you from enjoying it.

- Salvador de Madariaga.

 

No one gossips about other people's secret virtues.

- Bertrand Arthur William Russell, On Education.

 

The vices of the rich and great are mistaken for error; and those of the poor and lowly, for crimes.

- Lady Marguerite Blessington.

 

He hasn't a single redeeming vice.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

Don’t steal; thou’lt never thus compete

Successfully in business. Cheat.

- Ambrose Bierce.

 

The sinning is the best part of repentance.

- Arab Proverb.

 

To have an ancestor who was hanged for sheep-stealing perhaps gives me a certain social standing.

- Robert Morley.

 

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.

- Mae West.

 

VIETNAM WAR

 

We are the unwilling, led by the unqualified, doing the unnecessary for the ungrateful.

- Graffito, American air base, Vietnam.

 

We met the enemy and he was us.

- General William C. Westmoreland.

 

Victory in Vietnam will not determine who is right, only who is left.

 

Napalm is a figment of the collective imagination of the commie pinko hippie yippie leftist queers.

 

End the Vietnam War and bring our kids home. From Canada.

 

VIOLENCE

 

I must apologise for the lack of bloodshed in tonight’s program. We shall try to do better next time.

- Alfred Hitchcock.

 

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimetre bullet.

- Dave Barry.

 

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

- Dave Barry.

 

I will not carry a gun.... I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even hari-kari if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!

- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H, Officer of the Day.

 

The state calls its own violence law, but that of the individual crime.

- Max Stirner.

 

If you suck on a tit the movie gets an R rating. If you hack the tit off with an axe it will be PG.

- Jack Nicholson.

 

The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.

- Chinese Proverb.

 

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

 

VIRTUE & SINCERITY

 

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

- Oscar Wilde.

 

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.

- Cornelia Otis Skinner.

 

Nobody talks more of free enterprise and competition and of the best man winning than the man who inherited his father’s store or farm.

- C. Wright Mills.

 

Always be sincere, whether you mean it or not.

- Michael Flanders.

 

Sincere diplomacy is no more possible than dry water or wooden iron.

- Joseph Stalin.

 

The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out.

 

Virtue is its own punishment.

- Aneurin Bevan.

 

We are double-edged blades, and every time we whet our virtue the return stroke strops our vice.

- Henry David Thoreau.

 

Virtue is insufficient temptation.

- George Bernard Shaw.

 

Virtue is its own revenge.

- E.Y. Harburn.

 

What most persons consider as virtue, after the age of 40 is simply a loss of energy.

- Voltaire.

 

The excess of virtue is a vice.

- Greek Proverb.

 

Water which is too pure has no fish.

- Ts'ai Ken T'an.

 

On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.

- George Orwell.

 

We would frequently be ashamed of our good deeds if people saw all of the motives that produced them.

- La Rochefoucauld, Maxims, 1665.

 

First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.

- Greek proverb.

 

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

 

Virtuous action will never go unpunished.

 

Some folks wear their halos much too tight.

 

VISION

 

If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants.

- Isaac Newton.

 

Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.

- Japanese Proverb.

 

People who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be." So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

- Billy Connolly.

 

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