The Jacana Library

Humour

 

 

Telephone Answering Machine Messages

 

 

 

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these little magnets.

 

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

 

'Ello. My name ees Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.

 

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so, at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

 

I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.

 

...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key (###)...

 

Now I lay me down to sleep;

Leave a message at the beep.

If I die before I wake,

Remember to erase the tape.

 

Hello, this is Sid. I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson .38 in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.

 

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

 

There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas, no, his valiant effort is in vain.

 

Hi. I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

 

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

 

This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

 

If you are a burglar, the we're probably at home cleaning our many weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

 

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right .... real slowly. So leave a message, and when  we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

 

 

 

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