The Jacana Library

Humour

 

 

 

Brain Cramps

 

 

They misunderestimated me!
-George W. Bush.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
- A congressional candidate in Texas.

Half this game is ninety percent mental.
- Danny Ozark (Philadelphia Phillies manager).

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
- Al Gore, Vice President.

I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.
- Dan Quayle.

We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?
- Lee Iacocca.

The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst.

We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
- Bill Clinton, President.

My feeling is that until we catch him, which we will, we won't know where he is.
- US defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld admitting he hasn't a clue where Osama bin Laden is.

We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
- Al Gore, Vice President.

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
- Keppel Enderbery.

Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.
- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina.

If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.
- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman.


 

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