The Jacana Library

Humour

 

 

 

Confucius, he says
 


Confucius say...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Man wanting to kill a chicken for dinner has to move faster than a speeding pullet.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.

Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honourable discharge.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Man who run in front of car get tired

He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Man who leap off cliff jump to sudden conclusion.

Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts

Passionate kiss like spider's web soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!

Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Girl who lives in glass house should change in basement.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.

Chemist who fall in acid get absorbed in work.

Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

Man who eat cookies in bed, will wake up feeling crumby.

Man who masturbates in front of cash register come into money.

If chain still swinging seat will be warm.

Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy.

It's OK to meet girl in park, much better to park meat in girl.

Man who eat jellybeans fart in technicolour.

Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting image of father.

Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who get hit by car, get that run down feeling.

Man who has woman on ground has piece on earth.

Man who pull out too fast leave rubber.

Man who sit on hot stove will rise again.

Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.

Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist.

OK for schoolboy to masturbate long as not against Principal.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk.

Woman cook carrots and peas in same pot not sanitary.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Nail on board is not as good as screw on bench.

Man who pulls on woman’s bra-strap may get bust in mouth.

Man who go to bed with diarrhea wake up in deep shit.

Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt up than man run with pants down.

Man who sneeze without hanky takes matters into his own hands.

Best way to avoid a hangover is to stay drunk.

Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons.

Man who make love to girl on hill...he not on level.

Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.

It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it

Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.

Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.

Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

Baseball all wrong - man with four balls can't walk.

Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.

Woman who fly plane upside down have crackup.

Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.

Man who smoke pot choke on handle.

He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.

Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.

Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.

Modern house without toilet uncanny.

Woman who springs on bed-spring this spring, gets off-spring next spring

Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.

Man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.

He who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.

Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs.

State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.

He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.

Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep shit.

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.

Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy.

Boy who fool around with girl in wrong period get caught red handed.

Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.

All men eat, but Fu Manchu.

Man who shoot off mouth bound to lose face.

Man who put cream in tart, not necessarily a baker.

Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

Man who have head up ass, have shitty outlook on life.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle...in manor of speaking.

 

Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.

 

Man under car playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic.

 

Waitress who sit on leper's lap, keep tip.

 

Man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose.

 

Man who smoke pot, choke on handle.

 

Sex on beach like American beer - fucking near water.

 

Man who jump through screen door, strain self.

 

Man who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.

 

 

 

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