The Jacana Library

Humour

 

 

Actual Newspaper Headlines

From newspapers around the world

 

 

20-Year Friendship Ends At Altar.

Abattoir Staff Will Be Halved.

A Bean Supper Will Be Held On Tuesday Evening In The Church Hall. Music Will follow.

Antique Stripper To Display Wares At Store.

A Purple Lady's Bicycle Was Missing From Serendipity Lane Recently.

Air Head Fired.

Arafat Swears In Cabinet.

Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire.

Asbestos Suit Pressed.

Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft.

Astronomers See A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus.

Autos Killing 110 A Day - Let's Resolve To Do Better.

Babies Are What The Mother Eats.

Bangkok Launches Anti-Butt Campaign.

Bank Drive-In Window Blocked by Board.

Blind Bishop Appointed To See.

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years.

Blonde Gives Cop Oral Sex And Thinks It’s Breathalyzer Test.

Bodies In Garden Are A Plant Says Wife.
 
Body Found On Boat Seized By Bailiffs And Due To Be Auctioned.

 

Bodies In Garden Are A Plant Says Wife.

Boy Wants To Mount Autographed Guitar.
 
British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands.

 

British Union Finds Dwarfs In Short Supply.

Briton Gored By Bull In Intensive Care.

Buffalo Swept Off Feet By Choir

Bulge In Trousers Was Ecstasy

Bush Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead.

Cancer Society Honours Marlboro Man.


Car Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon.

Caribbean Islands Drift To Left.

Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy.

Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday.

Child's Stool Great For Use In Garden.

Chinese Apeman Dated.

Chopper Search For Man In Underpants.
 
Chou Remains Cremated.

 

Church Ministers Do More Than Lay People.

Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.

Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal.

Complaints About NBA Referees Growing Ugly.

Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures.

Condom Firm Stretches Product Line.

 

Condom Truck Tips, Spills Load.

Cops Quiz Victim In Fatal Shooting.

Crack Found On Governor's Daughter.


Crash Courses For Private Pilots.

Crime: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase.

Croupiers On Strike - Management: "No Big Deal".

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing.

Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing.

Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation.

Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon.

Debate About Hanging Suspended.

Defendant's Speech Ends In Long Sentence.

Denver Blender Vendor In Fender Bender.

Diaper Market Bottoms Out.

Diet Of Premature Babies ‘Affects IQ.’

Doctors Say The Longer The Babies Live, The Better Chance They'll Have At Surviving.

Doctor Testifies In Horse Suit

Down Under Love For Princess Anne’s Daughter.

Drugs Fine For Businessman.

Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case.


Elvis Sighted in Wax Museum.

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe.

Eye Drops Off Shelf.

Father Of Ten Shot Dead…Mistaken For A Rabbit.

Farmer Bill Dies In House.
 
Filming In Cemetery Angers Residents.
 

First Unitarian Church To Dedicate Enlarged Organ.

 

Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged.


Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop.

Gas Rig Men Grilled By Villagers.

Gas Smell Diverts Flight, But It Was Just Passengers Pants.

Giantkillers Stretch Town To The Limit.

Golfers Warned Not To Lick Balls.

Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One.

Gunman Shot By 999 Cops.

Half Million Italian Women Seen On Pill.

Here's How You Can Lick Doberman's Leg Sores.

Hershey Bars Protest.

Home Secretary To Act On Video Nasties.

Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors.

House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate.

How To Combat That Feeling Of Helplessness With Illegal Drugs.

Husband Bites Wife's 'Thing' - The Monitor (Uganda)

Idaho Group Organizes To Help Service Widows.

If England Are Going To Win This Match, They're Going To Have To Score A Goal.

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While.

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies.

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms.

Judge Acts To Reopen Theatre.


Jury Suspects Foul Play In Death Of Man Shot, Burned & Buried In Shallow Grave.

Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant.

Kicking Baby Considered To Be Healthy.
 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.

 

Man Denies He Committed Suicide.

March Planned For Next August.

Lack Of Brains Hinders Research.

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees.

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find

Largest Amount Of Cannabis Ever Seized In Joint Operation.

Latin Course To Be Cancelled - No Interest Among Students, Et Al.

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide.

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice.

Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests.

Lesotho Women Make Great Carpets.

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked -Thief Gives Police The Slip.

Liquor Sales Dip Blamed On Less Drinking.

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half.

Low Wages Said Key To Poverty.

Lucky Man Sees Friend Die.

Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms.

Mad Cow Talks.

Male Naturalist Members Rise.


Man Denies He Committed Suicide.


Man Eating Piranha Mistakenly Sold As Pet Fish.


Man Found Dead In Graveyard.

Man In Court Over St. Paul's Death.


Man Is Fatally Slain.

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing.

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge.

 

Many Antiques At Senior Citizens' Sale.

Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee.

Men Recommend More Clubs For Wives.

Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs.

Milk Drinkers Are Turning To Powder.

Miners Refuse To Work After Death.

Most Surgeons Face Cuts.


MP's To Take A Close Look At Pornography.


New Autos To Hit 5 Million.

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies.

Night School To Hear Pest Talk.
 
NJ Judge To Rule On Nude Beach.

 

No Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading Victim.


No Water So Firemen Improvised.


Nut Screws Washer And Bolts.

Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought.

Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax.

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.

Passengers Hit By Cancelled Trains.

Patient At Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through.

Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-Free

Physicist Recommends Bigger Balls To Slow Down Male Tennis Players.

Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told.

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers.

Police Chief’s Pledge To Murder Witness.

Police Discover Crack In Australia.


Police Found Safe Under Bed.
 
Police Move In Book Case.

 

Policeman Help Dog Bite Victim.


Prisoners Escape After Execution.

Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Sheriff.

Prostitutes Appeal To Pope.

Prostitutes To Hold Open Day.


Protesters March Over Illegal Immigrants.

Q.E.2 Theft: Three Fined.


Rare Flower Found On Site A Plant, Says Developer.


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge.

Rise Of 'Mutants' Leaves France A Divided Nation.


Robber's Description: Man, Possibly A Woman, Definitely Ugly.

Safety Exp
erts Say Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.


Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training.

Sex Scandal Vicar Seeks New Position.

S
ex Up And Down After September 11.

Shell found on beach


Slayings Put End To Marriage.

Slim-fad Girl, 17, Vanishes.

Steals Clock, Faces Time.


Straw’s Pledge To Rape Victims.

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link.

Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction.

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says.

Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again.

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim.

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails - Fans Protest.

Starr Aghast At First Lady’s Sex Position.

Steals Clock, Faces Time.
 
Stiff Opposition Expected To Casketless Funeral Plan.

 

Stiff Opposition Expected To Graveyard Plan.

Stolen Painting Found By Tree.
 
Stud Tires Out.

 

Supertrain Talks.

Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents.

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids.

Teen-age Girls Often Have Babies Fathered By Men.

The Airplane Was Only A Few Feet From The Ground When It Crashed, Witnesses Said.

The Driver Involved In This Incident Asked That Her Gender Not Be Revealed.


Threatening Letters - Man Asks For Long Sentence.

Three Ambulances Take Blast Victim To Hospital.


Tuna Biting Off Washington Coast.

Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung.

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter.

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies.

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.

Quarter Of A Million Chinese Live On Water.

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped.

Visitors To The Sandspit Are Advised That There Is A Prohibited Area Near The Groin.

War Dims Hope For Peace.
 
We Will Sell Gasoline To Anyone In A Glass Container.

 

William Kelly Was Fed Secretary.

Woman Attacked By Train Station.

Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based.

Kampala - A Hand Grenade Exploded On Board A Passenger Train Killing A Uganda Army Soldier Who Was Toying With It And Two Civilian Passengers.

He left for a vacation at his lodge, taking his favourite two great dames with him.

Rev. Hammond was congratulated on being able to get his parish plastered.
 
The ball is going back, Smith is chasing it, it's still going back, Smith jumps, he hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to the i
nfield. This is a terrible day for Smith!

 

Super Caley go ballistic. Celtic are atrocious.

- The Sun on Inverness Caledonian Thistle's huge Scottish Cup upset against Glasgow Celtic (2000).

 

From the Richmond Times-Dispatch concerning a dump-truck driver who "dropped more than 59,000 pounds of processed human excrement on Interstate 295" and was charged with "failure to contain his load."

 

 

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Hilarious Newspaper Clippings

from around the World

 

 

 

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