The Jacana Library

Humour

 

 

 

Signs of the Times


 

On an Electrician's truck: 'Let us remove your shorts.'

On a Scientist's door: 'Gone Fission.'

Sign in Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog, regular price, get one flea..."

On a travel agent’s window: ‘Please go away!’

On a Taxidermist's window: 'We really know our stuff.'

Outside a Hotel: 'Help! We need inn-experienced people.'

At an Auto Body Shop: 'May we have the next dents?'

At a Music Store: 'Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.'

On a Music Teacher's door: 'Out Chopin.'

On the door of a Music Library: 'Bach in a min-u-et.'

In a Podiatrist's window: 'Time wounds all heels.'

On a Butcher's window: 'Let me meat your needs.'

On another Butcher's window: 'Pleased to meat you.'

At a Used Car Lot: 'Second Hand cars in first crash condition.'

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: 'Best place in town to take a leak.'

At a Propane Filling Station: ‘Tank heaven for little grills.’

In a Beauty Shop: 'Dye now!'

In a beauty parlour window: 'Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your Grandmother.'

At a gas station restaurant: 'Eat here and get gas.'

On the door of a Computer Store: 'Out for a quick byte.'

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: 'Drop your pants here.'

On a septic tank truck in Oregon: ‘Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels.’

Over a gynaecologists office: ‘Dr. Jones at your cervix.’

At a proctologist’s door: ‘To expedite your visit, please back in.’

Notice in a doctor’s waiting room: ‘To avoid delay, please have all your symptoms ready.’

On a plumber’s truck: ‘We repair what your husband fixed.’

On a plumber’s truck: ‘Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.’

Pizza shop slogan: ‘7 days without a pizza makes one weak.’

 

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: 'Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work.'

In a clothing store: 'Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.'

On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: 'Archery tournament. Ears pierced.'

On a Tennessee highway: 'Take Notice: When this sign is under water the road is impassable.'


Seen on a Holiday Inn in Hyannis, Mass: ‘Sleep with someone you know.’

At a home cookin' restaurant in Oklahoma: ‘The best piece of chicken you'll ever get without being a rooster.’

At a tyre shop in Milwaukee: ‘Invite us to your next blowout.’

On a plastic surgeon’s door: ‘Hello. Can we pick your nose?’

In a Restaurant window: 'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.’

In a New York restaurant: 'Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.'

In a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store: 'Thirty-eight years on the same spot.'

In a Florida maternity ward: 'No children allowed.'

In a New York drugstore: 'We dispense with accuracy.'

On door of Microbiology Lab: 'Staph Only.'

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: 'Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work.'

At a New Hampshire car wash: 'If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.'

At the Electric Company: 'We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.'

At a farmer's field: 'The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.'

In a non-smoking area: ‘If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.’

In the vestry of a New England church: 'Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.'

On a Tennessee highway: 'When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.'

On a fence: ‘Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.’

Inside a Bowling Alley: 'Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.'

In a counsellor's office: 'Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.'

In the front of a funeral home: ‘Drive carefully. We’ll wait.’

In a toilet of a London office: 'Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.'

In a laundromat: 'Automatic washing machines - please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.'

In an office: 'Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.'

On a repair shop door: 'We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)'

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: 'Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.'

Sign in Egyptian hotel: 'If you require room service, please open door and shout, "room service!"'

On a maternity room door: ‘Push. Push. Push.’

On a church door: 'This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door. This door is kept locked because of the draft. (please use side door.)'

At a New York convalescent home: 'For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.'

Outside a country shop in West Virginia: 'We buy junk and sell antiques.'

At a New Jersey loan company: 'Ask about our plans for owning your home.'

English sign in a German cafe: 'Mothers, please wash your hans before eating.'

At an optometrist’s office: ‘If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.’

At a bee farm: ‘You’ll like our grade of honey – it’s bee-plus.’
 

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One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp: "In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly."

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Horse manure – 50p per pre-packed bag. 20p do-it-yourself.

After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

 

 

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