On an Electrician's truck: 'Let us remove your shorts.'
On a Scientist's door: 'Gone Fission.'
Sign in Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog, regular price, get one
On a travel agent’s window: ‘Please go away!’
On a Taxidermist's window: 'We really know our stuff.'
Outside a Hotel: 'Help! We need inn-experienced people.'
At an Auto Body Shop: 'May we have the next dents?'
At a Music Store: 'Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach
On a Music Teacher's door: 'Out Chopin.'
On the door of a Music Library: 'Bach in a min-u-et.'
In a Podiatrist's window: 'Time wounds all heels.'
On a Butcher's window: 'Let me meat your needs.'
On another Butcher's window: 'Pleased to meat you.'
At a Used Car Lot: 'Second Hand cars in first crash condition.'
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: 'Best place in town to take a
At a Propane Filling Station: ‘Tank heaven for little grills.’
In a Beauty Shop: 'Dye now!'
In a beauty parlour window: 'Don't whistle at the girl going out
from here. She may be your Grandmother.'
At a gas station restaurant: 'Eat here and get gas.'
On the door of a Computer Store: 'Out for a quick byte.'
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: 'Drop your pants here.'
On a septic tank truck in Oregon: ‘Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels.’
Over a gynaecologists office: ‘Dr. Jones at your cervix.’
At a proctologist’s door: ‘To expedite your visit, please back
Notice in a doctor’s waiting room: ‘To avoid delay, please have
all your symptoms ready.’
On a plumber’s truck: ‘We repair what your husband fixed.’
On a plumber’s truck: ‘Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your
Pizza shop slogan: ‘7 days without a pizza makes one weak.’
window of a Kentucky appliance store: 'Don't kill your wife. Let
our washing machines do the dirty work.'
In a clothing store: 'Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17
On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: 'Archery tournament. Ears
On a Tennessee highway: 'Take Notice: When this sign is under
water the road is impassable.'
Seen on a Holiday Inn in Hyannis, Mass: ‘Sleep with someone you
At a home cookin' restaurant in Oklahoma: ‘The best piece of
chicken you'll ever get without being a rooster.’
At a tyre shop in Milwaukee: ‘Invite us to your next blowout.’
On a plastic surgeon’s door: ‘Hello. Can we pick your nose?’
In a Restaurant window: 'Don't stand there and be hungry, come
in and get fed up.’
In a New York restaurant: 'Customers who consider our waitresses
uncivil ought to see the manager.'
In a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store:
'Thirty-eight years on the same spot.'
In a Florida maternity ward: 'No children allowed.'
In a New York drugstore: 'We dispense with accuracy.'
On door of Microbiology Lab: 'Staph Only.'
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: 'Don't kill your
wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work.'
At a New Hampshire car wash: 'If you can't read this, it's time
to wash your car.'
At the Electric Company: 'We would be delighted if you send in
your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.'
At a farmer's field: 'The farmer allows walkers to cross the
field for free, but the bull charges.'
In a non-smoking area: ‘If we see smoke, we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action.’
In the vestry of a New England church: 'Will the last person to
leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.'
On a Tennessee highway: 'When this sign is under water, this
road is impassable.'
On a fence: ‘Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.’
Inside a Bowling Alley: 'Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin
In a counsellor's office: 'Growing old is mandatory, growing
wise is optional.'
In the front of a funeral home: ‘Drive carefully. We’ll wait.’
In a toilet of a London office: 'Toilet out of order. Please use
In a laundromat: 'Automatic washing machines - please remove all
your clothes when the light goes out.'
In an office: 'Would the person who took the step ladder
yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.'
On a repair shop door: 'We can repair anything. (please knock
hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)'
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: 'Anyone leaving their garments
here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.'
Sign in Egyptian hotel: 'If you require room service, please
open door and shout, "room service!"'
On a maternity room door: ‘Push. Push. Push.’
On a church door: 'This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by
this door. This door is kept locked because of the draft.
(please use side door.)'
At a New York convalescent home: 'For the sick and tired of the
Outside a country shop in West Virginia: 'We buy junk and sell
At a New Jersey loan company: 'Ask about our plans for owning
English sign in a German cafe: 'Mothers, please wash your hans
At an optometrist’s office: ‘If you don’t see what you’re
looking for, you’ve come to the right place.’
At a bee farm: ‘You’ll like our grade of honey – it’s bee-plus.’
One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp: "In
case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Horse manure – 50p per pre-packed bag. 20p do-it-yourself.
After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand
upside down on the draining board.
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