The Jacana Library

Humour

 

 

Wacky Definitions

 
 

404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 - Not Found”, meaning that the requested web page could not be located.

A.A.A.A.A.: American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous.

A AND B THE C OF D: Means Above and Beyond the Call of Duty. Very good.

 

ABACUS: A reliable solid state biquinary computing device now partly superseded by the Cray 1.

ABDICATE: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

ABRACADABBLER: An amateur magician.

ABSENT: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.

ABSTAINER: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

ABSTRACT ART: A product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.

ABSTRACT LOGIC: 1. See definition 2. 2. See definition 1.

ABSURDITY: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

ABUSE: Unanswerable wit.

ACCIDENT: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.

ACCORDION: A bagpipe with pleats.

ACCORDIONATED: Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

ACCOUNTANT: One who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

ACID: Better living through chemistry.

 

ACORN: An oak in a nutshell.

ACQUAINTANCE: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

ACTION: The last resource of those who know not how to dream.

ACUPUNCTURE: A jab well done.

 

ACUTE ANGLE: 38"-24"-36"

ADAM'S APPLE: A protuberance in the throat of man thoughtfully provided by nature to keep the rope in place.

ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

ADMIRATION: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

ADMONITION: Gentle reproof, as with meat-axe. Friendly warning.

AD NAUSEAM: Sick of commercials.

ADOLESCENCE: 1. A stage between puberty and adultery. 2. The period when a teenager feels he will never be as dumb as his parents.

ADORKABLE: Both dorky and adorable. A higher state of being all dorks strive towards.

ADVERTISING: Legalized lying.

ADVERTISING AGENCY: Eighty-five percent confusion and fifteen percent commission.

AEROPAIN: Lower-back discomfort experienced when not seated in business class.

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AFTERNOON: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.

AIBOHPHOBIA: Fear of palindromes.

AIDS: The Gay reaper.

AIR POLLUTION: A mist-demeanour.

 

AIRCRAFT: A flying ship considered by most studies to be the safest form of transport, at least while it remains aloft.

ALIENS: The extraterrestrials among us, usually identifiable by their inexplicable ability to jog at 6 a.m. and thrive on 14-hour workdays.

ALIMONY: 1. Bounty after the mutiny. 2. 'Bye now, pay later. 3. The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

 

ALITALIA: Aircraft Landing In Tokyo. All Luggage In Amsterdam.

ALLIANCE: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

ALONE: In bad company.

ALPHABET BOYS: A slang term for federal government law enforcement agencies such as the FBI, CIA, ATF, NSC and IRS.

ALTERNATIVE ENERGY SOURCES: New locations to drill for gas and oil

AMBIDEXTROUS: Able to pick a pocket with either hand.

AMBITION: Working yourself to death in order to live better.

AMERICA: The only country in history which miraculously has gone from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.

AMERICAN FOOTBALL: Committee meetings, called huddles, separated by outbursts of violence.

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.

AN UDDER FAILURE: Cow that doesn't give milk.

ANTI-DEPRESSANT: Whatever is causing you unwarranted optimism.

ANTONYM: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.

APOLOGISE: To lay the foundation for a future offence.

 

APPEASER: One who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.

AQUADEXTROUS: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM: The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

AQUANAUT: An astronaut with a leaky capsule.

ARACHIBUTYROPHOBIA: Fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of your mouth.

ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

ARCHAEOLOGIST: A person whose career lies in ruins.

ASKHOLE: Someone who asks many stupid, pointless, obnoxious questions.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

ARTHRITIS: Twinges in the hinges.

ASTRONOMER: A night watchman.

ATHEISM: A non-prophet organization.

ATHIEST: One who does not believe in God but is still holier than thou.

ATOM BOMB: An invention to end all inventions.

AUCTION: A popular social gathering where you change a horse from a financial liability into a liquid asset.

AUCTIONEER: A person who looks forbidding.

AUDITOR: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

AULDLANXIETY: Fear of New Year’s eve.

AUSTRALIAN KISS: Same as French Kiss, only down under.

AVANT GARDE: The lemmings in the lead.

AWESININE: Stupidly brilliant, or brilliantly stupid. Describes an idea or work whose chief virtue is its overwhelming, unadulterated dumbness.

BABY: 1. Term of endearment, usually used by people having sexual intercourse with one another. 2. Exclamation, usually during sexual intercourse. 3. The direct consequence of sexual intercourse. 4. An alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other

BABY SITTER: A teenager acting like an adult, while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

BACHELOR: One who never makes the same mistake once.

BACKWARD CONDITIONING: Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.

BACTERIA: The rear portion of the cafeteria.

BAD SCRABBLE PLAYER: Inconsonant with no vowel movement.

 

BALLOT: A simple device by which a majority proves to a minority the folly of resistance.

BALONEY: Where some hemlines fall.

BANDIT: A person who takes by force from A what A has taken by guile from B.

BARGAIN: Something you can't use at a price you can't resist.

BARIUM: 1. What you do with dead chemists. 2. What doctors do when treatment fails.

BAROMETER: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

BAROQUE: When you are out of Monet.

BASED ON A TRUE STORY: Not a true story.

BATH: A process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves.

 

BATHING BEAUTY: A girl worth wading for.

BCG: Birth Control Glasses. Generally a military term which refers to the large, blocky glasses issued to military personnel who require the use of corrective lenses.

BEAR MARKET: An extended period when kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

BEELZEBUG: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEFUCKLED: Commonly used in military HQ's, characterized by extreme confusion, and genuine, profound disorientation. Often the result of being given different and usually conflicting orders.

BEGGAR: One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.

 

BEHAVIOURAL ECONOMICS: The theory that the typical investor is not Warren Buffett but Dagwood Bumstead.

BELOW AVERAGE PILOT: Unequal number of takeoffs and landings.

BEREFT: To miss the last plane to Japan.

BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

BIBLE: A documented two-part saga, about the God who made men, written by the men who made God.

BIGOT: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

BILLABONK: To make passionate love beside an Outback waterhole.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS: Gives you a 7” hard drive with no memory.

BINARY: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.

BiPODDING: Sharing a single set of headphones attached to one iPod.

 

BITTERNESS: Female heron.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

BLOG: Short for weblog. A meandering, blatantly uninteresting online diary that gives the author the illusion that people are actually interested in their stupid, pathetic life. Consists of such riveting entries as "homework sucks" and "I slept until noon today."

 

BLUBBER: Weeping and whaling.

BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch. A person who possesses a killer body but has a face that only a mother could love.

BODY NAZIS: Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

BODY PIERCING: Self-mutilation as a fashion statement among nonconforming young people who crave peer acceptance. A practice generally frowned upon by concerned parents who used to gain their own peer acceptance by taking hallucinogenic drugs and plotting to blow up the Pentagon.

BOND YEAR: Any year that ends in 007, such as 1007 or 2007.

BOOBY TRAP: When your girlfriend sticks her tits in your face and asks for something really expensive.

BOOK: A utensil used to pass time while waiting for the TV repairman.

BORE: 1. A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 2. Here today and here tomorrow.

BOY: A noise with dirt on it.

BOZONE: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone-layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

BRAIN: An apparatus with which we think that we think.

BRAIN GLUE: When it feels as though bits of your brain have been disconnected, (ie when your feeling stupid), this substance helps to stick them back together again. Sadly, has not yet been invented. “I went out partying all night, and was in serious need of some brain glue the next morning!”

BRANDY: A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan.

BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

BRIEFCASE: A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.

BROADBAND: An all girl musical group.

BROKER: What my broker has made me.

 

BROKET: Broken bracket.

BRUISE LEE: An inept martial-arts student.

BUBBLE MEMORY: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".

BUDGET: 1. Taxes chainsaw massacre. 2. A mathematical confirmation of your suspicions. 3. A method for going broke methodically.

BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

BUG: 1. Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls. 2. An aspect of a computer program which exists because the programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program.

BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

 

BURDEN OF PROOF: Hangover.

BUREAUCRACY: a method of turning energy into solid waste.

BUREAUCRAT: A politician who has tenure.

BURGACIDE: When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

 

BUTTERFLY NUT: Lepidopterist.

CABBAGE: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

CALIFORNIA: A wet dream in the mind of New York.

CANDIDATE: A person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.

CANNABIS: Mexican/Colombian joint space program.

 

CANNIBAL: One who is fed up with people.

CANTELOPE: A species similar to the antelope, who can't do anything.

CAPITALISM: 1. Man exploiting man. Socialism: The reverse. 2. The politician's bandwagon that runs on money rather than morals.

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: Income tax.

CARBAGE: the trash found in your automobile.

CAR SICKNESS: The feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.

CAREER MINDED: Back Stabber.

CARPET CREEPERS: Heavier-than-air farts; these linger and permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level and have been known to cause floor polish to lift; source invariably anonymous, having already left the room.

CARPETUATION: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

CARSOPHAGUS: A pothole in the road that is so enormous that it tends to "bury a car."

CARSPECTIVE: The valuable insight that comes during the long drive home.

CASHTRATION: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

CASH FLOW: The movement my money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

CAT: A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

CATERPALLOR: The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

CATOLICK: A religiously clean kitty.

CELEBRITY: One who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.

CELLOPAIN: The jerk who talks loudly and obliviously on his cellphone in a crowd. There are other words for this person, but they are not printable.

CELL PHONE: A device for communicating with others needlessly. Day in. Day out. Whenever. Wherever. Good for holding up lines in stores, traffic, etc. Also the latest technology found in ghettos - overtaking the more common "boom box".

CENSOR: A man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.

CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

 

CHAIR: Headquarters for hindquarters.

CHARACTER DENSITY: The number of very weird people in the office.

 

CHARITY: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

CHASTITY: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.

CHEESE: Milk’s leap towards immortality.

CHEWING GUM: Ostensibly a snack food but in actual fact, a major component of early aeronautical contraptions and Oregon’s Education Policy.

CHEW TOY: The person you have or will have carnal relations with, but never a serious relationship.

 

CHICKEN FEED: A poultry sum of money.

CHILDHOOD: 1. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infant and the folly of youth – two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of old age. 2. The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge.

 

CHIMPANZEE: A species of pansy cultivated in Africa.

CHOCOLATE: the other major food group.

CHOOSY BLONDE: One for whom a Tom or a Harry won't do.

CHRIST: An anarchist who succeeded. That’s all.

CHRISTIAN: One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

 

CHRISTMAS ELF: Subordinate Claus.

CHRISTMESS: The aftermath of the Christmas celebrations.

CHRONIC FARTIGUE SYNDROME: Medical condition where excessive flatulence causes exhaustion.

CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

CINEMUCK: The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theatres.

CIRCULAR SAW: "A telescope is a telescope is a telescope."

 

CIVIL SERVICE: A difficulty for every solution.

CLAUSTROPHOBIC: The condition of one who is afraid of Santa Claus.

COCAINE: The thinking man's Dristan.

COCKTAIL PARTY: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

COINCIDENCE: A euphemism for conspiracy.

COFFEE: 1. Break fluid. 2. A person who is coughed upon.

COFFEE BREAK: The cataclysmic failure of a strong beverage.

COGITO COGITO ERGO COGITO SUM: I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.

COGITO EGGO SUM: I think; therefore I am a waffle.

COLD: 1. When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets. 2. When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

COMFORT: A state of mind produced by the contemplation of a neighbour's uneasiness.

COMMITMENT:
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up another woman while out with one’s girlfriend.

  Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. Note that only the pig has made a commitment, whereas the chicken has made a contribution.

COMMITTEE: A cul-de-sac to which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.

COMMUNICATION:
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Scribbling out a note to one’s partner before suddenly taking off for a weekend fishing trip with the guys.

COMMUNIST: 1. One who has given up all hope of becoming a capitalist. 2. One who has nothing and wishes to share it with the world.

COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATISM: Poignant concern for the very wealthy.

COMPLIMENT: A falsehood in full regalia.

COMPUTER SCIENCE: 1. Solving today's problems tomorrow. 2. A science whose goal is to build something that will lasts at least until they've finished building it.

CONCEPT: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000.

CONCEPTIPATION: Common mental condition recently recognised by the American Academy of Fuzzy Logic as a disease, characterised by difficulty conceiving three or more what-if conditions. Presidential elections appear to be a factor in the spread of this disease.

CONCEPTUAL ARTIST: One who conceives of himself as an artist. Also known as a “con artist”.

CONCERTO: A fight between a piano and a pianist.

CONFERENCE: 1. A meeting of the bored. 2. The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

CONFESSION: The acknowledgement made to a priest of a sinful act committed by a friend, neighbour or acquaintance, and to which you reacted with righteous indignation.

CONFIDENCE: The feeling you have before you understand a situation.

CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

CONSCIENCE: 1. The inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking. 2. Something that feels terrible when everything else feels great.

CONSERVATIVE: 1.A statesman who is enamoured of existing evils, as distinguished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. 2. A liberal who has been mugged. 3. A man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.

CONSTIPATION: An important U.S. document.

CONSULTANT: Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

CONTEMPT: The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.

CONTROVERSY: A battle in which bullshit substitutes for bullets.

CONVERSATION: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.

CORAL: Where sea horses are kept.

 

CORONER: A municipal officer who is charged with the duty of cutting up the unfortunate to see if they are dead. They always are.

CORPORATION: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

COSMETICS: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.

COUNTRY POTATOES: Potatoes flavoured with dirt.

COURAGE.com: When someone tries to be badass over the internet, like on a forum or blog, because they aren't actually face to face with anyone.

COVER-UP: An attempt to hide something, such as evidence of a criminal conspiracy or the weak points of one’s conspiracy theory.

COWARD: 1. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 2. A man in whom the instinct of self-preservation acts normally.

CRAPPLET: A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 3½ hours downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

CREATOR: A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.

CREDIT CARD HOLDER: Member of the debt set.

CRICK: The sound made by a Japanese camera.

 

CRICKET: A game the British, not being a spiritual people, had to invent in order to have some conception of eternity.

CRIMINAL: One who gets caught.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a Cube Farm (See def.), then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust. Leads to Prairie Dogging (See def.)

CROSS-EYED TEACHER: A teacher that loses control over her pupils.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

 

CUBE ROOT: Diced carrots.

CULT BOOK: Technical reference manual of life, written by the end-users.

 

CURTAIL: The south end of a dog heading north.

CYCLEPATH: Any person who shows an obsession for open air riding in preference for the comfort and safety of an enclosed motorised vehicle.

CYNIC: 1. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. 2. A man who found out when he was ten that there wasn't any Father Christmas, and he's still upset. 3. Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket. 4. One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.

CYNICISM: 1. The vice of disbelieving in the virtues of hypocrites. 2. Disappointed idealism. 3. The intellectual cripple’s substitute for intelligence.

DADICATED: Being the best father you can be.

DANCE: 1. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbour's wife or daughter. 2. The vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalized by music.

DEAD: Electroencephalographically challenged.

DEATH: The penultimate commercial transaction finalised by probate.

DECIDE: To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another.

DEBUNK: Where de cowboy sleeps, usually in debunk house.

DECAFALON: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

DEFEATED: Chopped off at the ankles.

DEFINE: De ting you get from breaking de law.

DÉJÀ BREW: We’ve had this beer before.

DÉJÀ FU: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.

DÉJÀ MOO: The realization that you’ve heard this bull before.

DÉJÀ POO: The inexplicable sense that you have smelled that malodorous gas before.

DEMOCRACY: 1. The worship of jackals by jackasses. 2. Three wolves and a sheep voting on what’s for lunch.

DENIAL: A river in Egypt.

DENTIST: A magician who puts metal in your mouth and pulls coins from your pocket.

DEPOTPHOBIA: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot store because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.

DERANGE: Where de buffalo roam.

DUTURGENT: Suds specially formulated to remove those embarrassing brown stains from underpants.

DICK FLIK: The testosterone-driven opposite of a "chick flick". Generally contains lots of car chases, explosions, and boobs.

DICTATOR : Rudely shaped potato.

DICTATORSHIP: A form of government under which everything which is not prohibited is compulsory.

DIE: To stop sinning suddenly.

DILATE: To live long.

DIPLOMACY: 1. Thinking twice before saying nothing. 2. The art of saying “Nice doggie!” till you can find a rock.
3. The patriotic art of lying for one’s country. 4. The art of letting someone have your way.

DIPLOMAT: 1. A person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. 2. A person who can be disarming even though his country isn’t. 3. An unwise thing to call ‘Knuckles Lomat’. 4. A man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.

DISARMAMENT: An agreement between nations to scuttle all weapons that are obsolete.

DISCONFECT: To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will "remove" all the germs.

DISCOVERY: The finding of something one was not looking for.

DIVORCE: 1. The future tense of marriage. 2. A resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

DODGERIDOO: a fake Aboriginal musical artefact.

DOGMATISM: Puppyism come to its full growth.

DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

DOTCOM: A valiant online enterprise that typically favours coolness over profitability; for this reason, esp. following the Crash of 2000, now commonly referred to by many traumatized investors as a "dotbomb."

 

DOWNCAST: Performers in Swan Lake.

 

DRACULA: The first blood count.

DRAMARAMA: A situation where one or more individuals choose to take a relatively benign event and turn it into a huge drama. This often involves a lot of high pitched screams or expressions of outrage, the narrowing of eyes, forced tears, threats of various kinds, phone calls, email, blogging, etc. It is not uncommon for a dramarama to become known to a vast amount of people within a very short time.

 

DRILL SERGEANT: An army dentist.

DRIVE-IN MOVIE: Wall to wall car-petting.

DTR: Define The Relationship. When two people discuss their mutual understanding of a romantic relationship (casual dating, serious boyfriend, etc).

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

DUTY: That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.
    1. If one’s duty, that which hurts the least.
    2. If another’s duty, that which benefits the most

DVD: 1. Successor to the video cassette for the few remaining years until video-on-demand renders it obsolete. 2. How the ancient Romans would have written the word "DUD."

DYSLEXIA: Beeing Sackwards.

EARGASM: The sensation one gets while hearing a dramatic climax in music.

EARTH: 1. A solid substance, much desired by the seasick. 2. A minor planet with major problems. 3. God's reality TV show.

ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

ECNALUBMA: A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

ECRASTINATE: Checking your e-mail just one more time in the hopes you'll have something to read or write and not have to do any work.

ECSTASY: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

EDIBLE: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest; as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

EDUCATION: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

EFFICIENCY EXPERT: The person smart enough to tell you how to run a business but too smart to start his own.

EGGHEAD: What Mrs. Dumpty gave Mr. Humpty.

EGOTIST: 1. A person of low taste more interested in himself than in me. 2. Someone who is always me-deep in conversation. 3. An eye specialist.

EGOTISM: Usually just a case of mistaken nonentity.

EIFFELITES: Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS: The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theatre.

ELECELLERATION: The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

ELEPHONE: How elephants call home.

eLATIONSHIP: This refers to a couple (friends, lovers and suchlike) that know each other only via online correspondence (e-mail, chat rooms, etc).

ELOQUENCE: Saying the proper thing and stopping.

E-MAIL: Once an efficient and fast method of communication and message transferring, now a way of harassing Internet users with spam, credit card/insurance offers, porn links, and "Increase Your Penis Size By 8 Inches" advertisements.

 

EMETIC: A substance that causes the stomach to take a sudden and enthusiastic interest in outside affairs.

ENDLESS LOOP: see Loop, Endless.

ENEMA: Not a friend.

ENEMY: A designing scoundrel who has done you some service which it is inconvenient to repay.

ENGINERD: All engineers, especially ones that hang out and look at computer dating services all day. A person who uses scientific knowledge to solve practical problems.

ENGLAND: The paradise of individuality, eccentricity, heresy, anomalies, hobbies and humours.

ENGLISHMAN: A creature who thinks he is being virtuous when he is only being uncomfortable.

ENTERDRAINMENT: Any passive form of entertainment that is so incredibly mind numbing that it sucks the intelligence from the listener or viewer; ultimately over time reducing (or limiting) them to a simplistic proto-human mental state, incapable of cognition or rational thought.

ENTERTAINMENT:
Female - A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male - Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

ENTREPMANURE: Someone who makes a living selling bullshit to the masses.

ENGRISH: Engrish can be simply defined as the humorous English mistakes that appear in Japanese advertising and product design. Often, not only in Japan, but all around the world.

ePENIS: A term used to describe the technological prowess of an individual, usually in an internet community. Factors that engorge the e-penis include bandwidth, computer speed, hard drive size, size of DVD etc.

ERUDITION: Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

ESPLANADE: To attempt an explanation while drunk.

ESPRIT DE CORPS: Embalming fluid.

ETC: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

ETHERNET: A devithe for catching the Ether Bunny.

ETHICAL MAN: A Christian holding four aces.

EXILE: One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador.

EXISTENTIALISM: No one else can take a bath for you.

EXPECTATION: The state or condition of mind which in the procession of human emotions is preceded by Hope and followed by Despair.

EXPERIENCE: 1. The wisdom that enables us to recognise the folly that we have already embraced. 2. The comb life gives you after you’ve lost your hair. 3. The name men give to their mistakes. 4. That which causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. 5. What you get when you don't get what you want.

EXPLORATION: A prelude to exploitation.

 

EXTINCT: Dead skunk.

EXTRATERRESTAURANT: An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

FADDICT: Someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.

FAIR PLAY: Any legally sanctioned monopoly.

FAIRY TALE: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.

FAITH: 1. The belief without evidence of what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. 2. That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.

FAIR DRINKUM: A good quality Aussie wine.

FAITH: Not wanting to know what is true.

FALSEHOOD: A truth to which the facts are loosely adjusted to an imperfect conformity.

FAMILY: 1.A body of individuals living in one household, consisting of male, female, young, servants, dog, cat, dicky-bird, cockroaches, bedbugs and fleas - the 'unit' of modern civilized society. 2. Home of all social evils, a charitable institution for indolent women, a prison workshop for the slaving breadwinner, a hell for children.

FARM WORKER: Manuel labourer

FART BLANCHE: Your wife’s open permission to pass gas in her presence.

FARTICLE: A small, barely audible emission of wind from the anus, ridiculous in nature.

FAT CHANCE: Slim chance.

FATHER: A banker provided by nature.

 

FATHERHOOD: An heir-raising experience.

FATIGUE: The condition of a philosopher after having considered human wisdom and virtue.

FAULT: One of my offences, as distinguished from one of yours, the latter being crimes.

FAUNACATED: How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.) which has made a meal of many species.

FAVORITE ANIMAL: Steak.

FEDERAL LAW: Ten thousand books explaining the Ten Commandments.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

 

FELICITY: Static produced by stroking a cat.

 

FEMALE: Iron man.

FEUDALISM: It’s your count that votes.

FICTION: The story told by a completed Income Tax Form.

FIBULA: Small lie.

 

FIDDLE: An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.

FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

 

FINE PRINT: Clause for suspicion.

FISH AND SHIPS: What sea monsters eat.

FISHING: A man’s way of hiding a drinking problem.

FISSION: Outdoor sport favoured by nuclear physicists.

FLABBERGASTED: Appalled over how much weight you gave gained.

FLASHLIGHT: A case for holding dead batteries.

FLATULENCE:
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

FLATYPUS: An Australian cat which has been run over by a vehicle.

FLIRT: A woman who thinks it’s every man for herself.

FLIRTING: In most cases, the metaphorical wiggling of one's toe in the pool while fantasizing about a swim into the deep end. In the contemporary workplace, likely grounds for a sexual harassment lawsuit.

FOBIA: Fear of misspelt words.

FOOL: A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity. He it was who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the telegraph, the platitude and the circle of the sciences. He created patriotism and taught the nations war - founded theology, philosophy, law, medicine and Chicago. He established monarchical and republican government. He is from everlasting to everlasting. And after the rest of us shall have retired for the night of eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human civilization.

FORGETFULNESS: A gift from God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.

FORGIVENESS: A stratagem to throw an offender off his guard and catch him red-handed in his next offence.

FOREIGN AID: A transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

FOREIGN FILM: Any movie shown in Texas theatre that isn't a western.

FOREPLOY: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

FORLORNICATION: Unhappy, miserable, desperate sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons.

FOXYMORON: A female whom you tolerate, despite her stupidity, because she is ridiculously good-looking.

FRAUD: The life of commerce, the soul of religion, the bait of courtship and the basis of political power.

FREEDOM: 1. In the U.S., the sacred right to speak and act according to one's conscience, except when dealing with sensitive special-interest groups or militant Republican administrations. 2. What the U.S. frequently exports to developing nations, by force if necessary.

 

FRENCH LEAVE: Much adieu about nothing.

FRENEMY: An enemy disguised as a friend.

FRIENDSHIP: An arrangement by which we undertake to exchange small favours for big ones.

FRISBYTERIANISM: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

FRUST: The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

FRUSTRATION: Trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

FUTURE: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

 

GALLOWS: Where no noose is good noose.

GAMBLING: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

GARDEN: A thing of beauty and a job forever.

GARGOYLE: Olive-flavoured mouthwash.

GATED COMMUNITY: An upscale residential enclave that graciously surrounds itself with walls to protect the outside world from its inhabitants.

GEEKABYTE: A unit of computer memory so enormous it can only be comprehended by Steve Jobs.

 

GEISHA: Maid in Japan.

GENDERPLEX: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., by trying to figure out the turtles and tortoises symbols)

GENE POLICE: “YOU! Out of the pool!”

GENERICA: Features of the modern landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions etc.

GENIUS: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright".

GENT: The male of the genus Hoodlum.

GENTLEMAN: 1. A person who could show you his home movies but doesn't. 2. A man who knows how to play the bagpipes - but doesn’t. 3. One who never strikes a woman without provocation.

 

GEOLOGIST: A scientist who won't take Noah for an answer.

GEOMETRY: 1. Here's looking at Euclid. 2. What the acorn said when it grew up.

GHETTO: Ashanti town.

GIGOLO: A fee male.

GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

GABBERFLASTED: The state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.

GLASS CEILING:
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would be really great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.

GOING FOR A McSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food – you’re just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you’ll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

GOLD: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them.

GOLDEN RULE: He who has the gold makes the rules.

GOOD INTENTIONS: A superior paving material naturally resistant to potholing. Used exclusively for southbound traffic.

GOOGLE DRIFT: To drift aimlessly between subjects of interest, by finding them accidentally on a web search for something else.

GOSSIP: 1. A 24-hour teller. 2. A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. 3. Letting the chat out of the bag.

GRANDPARENT: Something so simple, even a child can control it.

GRAVITATION: The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportional to the quantity of matter they contain - the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, makes B the proof of A.

GREAT LOVER: A man who can breathe through he ears.

GROSS IGNORANCE: 144 times worse than ordinary ignorance.

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS: Able to bullshit.

GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

GROUND BEEF: A cow with no legs.

GROWNUP: Someone who suffers from responsibility.

GUARANTEE: 1. A legal “vehicle” which expires on the same day as your mechanical one. 2. Something promised to the gullible, the inexperienced, or the terminally trusting.

GUILLOTINE: A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.

GUILT: The condition of one who is known to have committed an indiscretion, as distinguished from the state of him who has covered his tracks.

GUILT TRIPS: The nuclear weapon of relationships.

GUITAR FACE: The act of making an unusual face while playing the guitar. The look typically resembles a look of pain, intense ecstasy, or sometimes even plain old gas.

GURU: One who knows more jargon than you.

GYPSY: A person who is willing to tell you your fortune for a portion of it.

HACKCHOO: When you sneeze and cough at the same time.

HAGGIS: Haggis is a black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and... excuse me a minute...retttttchhhhh…

HAM & EGGS: A day’s work for a chicken; a lifetime’s commitment for a pig.

 

HAMMER: An instrument for smashing the human thumb.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

HANGING: A suspended sentence.

HANGOVER: The wrath of grapes.

HAPPINESS: 1. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. 2. To be very busy with the unimportant. 3. The result of being too busy to be miserable. 4. A combination of good health and a bad memory.

HARI KIWI: Death by fruit.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS: Can you drive a French motor-cycle.

HAS-BEEN: A person who thinks he has reached the top.

HASBIAN: A former lesbian who is now in a heterosexual relationship.

HATRIOTISM: Proving your patriotism by hating the people the government tells you to hate.

HEALTH: The slowest possible rate of dying.

HEART: An automatic muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments - a very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach.

HEAVY: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.

HEDGEHOG: The cactus of the animal kingdom.

HELL: A place where the Germans are the police, the Swedish are the comedians, the Italians are the defence force, Frenchmen dig the roads, the Belgians are the pop singers, the Spanish run the railways, the Turks cook the food, the Irish are the waiters, the Greeks run the government and the common language is Dutch.

HEMAGLOBE: The bloody state of the world.

HEN: An egg’s way of making another egg.

HENCE: An enclosure around the hen coop.

HIPATITIS: Terminal coolness.

HIPPOPOTOMONSTROSESQUIPPEDALIOPHOBIA: Fear of long words.

HISTORY: An account, mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

HOLLYWOOD: A place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.

HOME COOKING: Where many a man thinks his wife is.

HOMESICK: Dead broke abroad.

HOMICIDE: The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another - the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.

HONESTY: Fear of being caught.

HONEYMOON: 1. The morning after the knot before. 2. A vacation a man takes before beginning work under a new boss.

HONEYMOON SALAD: Lettuce alone, with no dressing.

HOUSE: A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus, and microbe.

HUMBUG: A singing cockroach.

 

HUSBAND: What is left of a man after the nerve is extracted.

HYPOCRICY: Prejudice with a halo.

HYPOCRITE: A guy who gripes about the sex, violence and nudity on his VCR.

ICH LIEBE RICH: I’m really crazy about having dough.

ICICLE: An eavesdropper.

ID10T: Idiot. Tech support techno-speak for an intellectually challenged computer user. "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system."

IDEOLOGUE: Generally an obscure humourless zealot who finds fulfilment by spouting the ideas of famous humourless zealots.

IDIOS AMIGOS: We’re a very dumb bunch of guys.

IG: An igloo which has no toilet.

 

IGLOO: An icicle built for two.

IGNORAMUS: A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.

IGNORANUS: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

ILLIGATOR: A sick reptile.

IMMORALITY: The morality of those who are having a better time.

IMMORTALITY: 1. The condition of a dead man who doesn't believe he is dead. 2. A fate worse than death.

IMPARTIAL: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.

IMPECCABLE: 1. Not liable to detection. 2. Unable to be eaten by a chicken.

IMPIETY: Your irreverence toward my deity.

IMPLACABLE: Not to be appeased without a large sum of money.

IMPOSTOR: A rival aspirant to public honours.

IMPOTENCE: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings.”

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.

IMPUNITY: Wealth.

INCEST: 1. Roll your own. 2. The theory of relativity. 3. Sibling ribaldry.

 

INDECISIVE: Under the whether.

IN CONCLUSION: The bit that wakes up the audience.

INFARTUATION: An inexplicable attraction to someone who can effortlessly and frequently clear a room.

INFIDEL: In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

 

INHERITANCE: Dead giveaway.

INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

INSANITY: A perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.

 

INSECTICIDE: 1. Lettuce spray. 2. The bug stops here.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Last year’s investor who is now locked up in a nuthouse.

INSURANCE: An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.

INSURRECTION: An unsuccessful revolution.

INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

INTEPID TRAVELLER: A tourist who is absolutely fearless of lukewarm water.

INTELLIGENT PERSON: One who understands the obvious.

INTENSE PAIN: Torture in a teepee.

INTERACTIVE: Describing a computer program so technologically advanced that it provides almost the same satisfaction as a simple dialogue between two actual humans.

INTUITION: An uncanny sixth sense which tells people they are right, whether they are or not.

INVENTOR: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it to be civilization.

 

INVESTMENT GURU: An investor whose luck has not yet run out.

iPERBOLE: The hype surrounding any product Apple unveils.

IRONY: God gave the tortoise a drag factor of .03

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O. J. and Michael Jackson trials were prime examples.

JACK: The name of a man with a car on his head.

JACKSON: Another name for a US Twenty Dollar Bill; US cash denomination featuring President Andrew Jackson - equivalent to twenty Franklins or four Lincolns. "Hey... stop at that ATM. I need a Jackson or two."

JEALOUSY: The seamy side of love.

JEANS: Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being the zits.

JOBSOLETE: a position within a company that no longer exists.

JOHNNY CASH: Money for the pay toilet.

JUSTICE: 1. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizens as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service. 2. A decision in your favour 3. Revenge sanctioned by the state.

KARMAGEDDON: It’s like, when everybody is sending off these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer, man.

KASHA: Kasha is always defined as "Buckwheat groats." There's only one problem with this definition: What the fuck are “Buckwheat groats?" I know what they are - they're kasha. But that doesn't help you much. [For more information, see Endless Loop.]

 

KELP: What to yell when tangled in seaweed.

KEYBOARD PLAQUE: The disgusting build-up of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

 

KILOWATT: Answer to the question "Did you ever kill a qzertxl?"

KIN: An affliction of the blood.

KINSTIRPATION: A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

KISSING: Putting your honey where your mouth is.

KLEPTOCRACY: A system of government characterized by rampant corruption and misallocation of public funds.

KNAPSACK: Sleeping bag.

 

KNEWLYWEDS: Second marriage for both.

KOOKABURRA’S KHYBER, AS DRY AS: (Australian) A condition of the throat prior to the ingurgitation of ice cold lager.

LACTOMANGULATION: Manhandling the 'open here' corner of a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to a knife or scissors.

 

LAGOON: Pierre Sellers.

LAISSEZ FAIRE: Theory that if each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.

LAUGHING STOCK: Cattle with a sense of humour.

LAWSUIT: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

LAWYER: 1. One skilled in the circumvention of the law. 2. The larvae stage of a politician. 3. A person who writes a 100,000 word document and calls it a “brief”.

LAZINESS: An overwhelming ambition to live a quiet life.

LEGEND: 1. A lie that has attained the dignity of age. 2. Foot.

 

LEMONADE: Rock concert to help fruit growers.

LIBERAL: 1. One who's too poor to be a capitalist, too rich to be a communist. 2. One who has both feet planted firmly in the air.

LIBERALISM: Always having to say you’re sorry.

LIBERTY: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.

 

LICENCE NUMBER: Best thing to take when you're run down.

LIFE: Sexually transmitted disease. 100% fatal.

LIE: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.

 

LIGHTNING: Fire from a madding cloud.

 

LIQUIDATE: Rendezvous in a bath.

LITERARY PARTY: A traffic jam of the lost waiting for the ferry across the Styx.

LIVER: An internal organ. In Scotland, this organ is often eaten. In Iceland, it is pickled.

LOCAL AREA NETWORK IN AUSTRALIA: The LAN down under.

LOCATIONSHIP: A brief romantic encounter usually occurring while travelling or on vacation, occasionally outwardly resembling a conventional relationship, but without any underlying commitment. May be rekindled at future opportunities.

LOCOMOTIVE: A crazy reason for doing something.

 

LOGGERHEADS: Toilets for lumberjacks.

LOGIC: 1. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of human misunderstanding. 2. The art of being wrong with confidence. 3. An organised way of going wrong.

 

LONGEVITY: Uncommon extension of the fear of death.

LOOP, ENDLESS: see Endless Loop.

LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS: Reformats your hard drive into a 3½” floppy, then discards it through Windows.

LOTTERY: 1. A tax on fools. 2. A tax on people who don't understand statistics.

LOVE: 1. A temporary insanity curable by marriage. 2. Something that hangs up behind the bathroom door and smells of Lysol. 3. The delusion that one woman differs from another. 4. The most subtle form of self-interest. 5. The delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.

LOVE AFFAIR: Something like cricket where a one-day international is more popular than a five day test.

LOW BLOW: A dwarf performing fellatio.

LOYAL: Can't get a job anywhere else.

LSD: Virtual reality without the expensive hardware.

LULLABUOY: An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

LUNATIC FRINGE: Those who deviate too far from the Maniacal Mainstream and the Crackpot Consensus.

LYMPH: To walk with a lisp.

 

LYRE: A dishonest harp.

MACADAM: The prototype Apple computer.

MACHINATION: The method employed by one's opponents in baffling one's open and honourable efforts to do the right thing.

MACHO: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

MAD: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

MAIN: What a man calls a woman that is his No.1 girl, as apposed to the other females he may have.

MAJORITY: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.

MAKING LOVE:
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What men have to call “boinking” to get women to boink.

MANDALS: Sandals for men.

MANTASTIC: Feeling fantastic after the successful completion of a particularly macho feat.

MARITAL FREEDOM: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

MARRIAGE: 1. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making two in all. 2. A souvenir of love. 3. A process whereby love ripens into vengeance. 4. A sentence, not a word. 5. The mourning after the knot before. 6. Breeding in captivity. 7. The triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

MARVELOUS: Not understood.

MARILYN MONROE: A vacuum with nipples.

MARRIAGE: An agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.

MARTIAL ARTS: A family of Asiatic self-defence disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with a semi-automatic.

MASTERBRASION: A genital injury resulting from overzealous self-gratification.

MASTURBATION: The human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT.

MBA: Master of Bogus Accounting

McSHIT, GOING FOR A: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food - you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, you declare to them that you'll buy their food afterwards. This is known as a McShit with Lies.

MEANDERTHAL: People who wander around aimlessly and always seem to get in your way in stores and supermarkets, chatting on their cell phones and paying no attention to their surroundings.

MEDIATE: To butt in.

MEDICAL STAFF: Doctor's cane.

MEGAHERTZ: A VERY large car rental company.

 

MENTALLY: Nymphomaniac's address book.

METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nit picker.

MEXICAN STANDOFF: The awkward scenario where one person goes to kiss another on the cheek and the recipient moves for the mouth (or vice versa). This results in a repeated back and forth movement where both parties keep moving to rectify their facial position, creating a kung fu movie visual.

MICROWAVE: Wave from a midget.

MIDAIR PASSENGER EXCHANGE: Grim-faced air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on collision between two passenger jets. Midair passenger exchanges are always followed by "aluminium rain."

MIDRIFF: Halfway through a jazz solo.

 

MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after two bytes

MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.

MINDFUCK: An idea or concept that shakes one's previously held beliefs or assumptions about the nature of reality.

MINOR: Less objectionable.

MINOR OPERATION: One performed on somebody else.

MIRTHQUAKE: an episode of laughter that entails shaking or violent motion.

MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

MISOGYNIST: A man who hates women as much as women hate each other.

MISTRESS: Something between a mister and a mattress.

MIXED FEELINGS: Watching your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new Merc 380SL.

MODERN ART: A square lady with three breasts and a guitar up her crotch.

MODESTY: 1. The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it. 2. The art of encouraging people to find out for themselves how wonderful you are.

MONDAYS: The potholes in the road of life.


MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot that when lowering yourself in you go: “Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!”

MORAL INDIGNATION: Jealousy with a halo.

MORNING THICKNESS: That pesky morning hard-on.

 

MORTICIAN: Engraver.

 

MOTH: Green thtuff on the north thide of treethe.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

MUMMY: An Egyptian pressed for time.

MURDER: An ex post facto abortion. The right to commit murder is supported by all who truly favour freedom of choice.

MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

MYTH: A female moth.

NAGIVATOR: Someone who constantly assists with driving directions in an overly-critical manner.

NARROW MINDED: Being able to see through a keyhole with both eyes at the same time.

 

NAVAL ATTACHE: Umbilical cord.

NECROPHILLIA: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

NEGLIGENT: Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

NEWS: Anything that makes a woman say, ‘For heaven’s sake!’

NEWSFLASH: Headless body found in topless bar.

NEWSPAPERS: Dead trees with information smeared on them.

NFI: No Fucking Idea.

NIPPLEGATE: Refers to the scandal of the 2004 Superbowl half-time show where Janet Jackson accidentally exposed her entire right breast.

NODE: Was aware of.

NOISE: A stench in the ear. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization.

NONCONFORMIST: One who conforms to the norms of nonconformism.

NOSTALGIA: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory.

NOSTALGIA BUFF: One who finds the past perfect and present tense.

NO WUKKAS: Abbreviation of "no wuckin' furries" which is a less vulgar derivative of "no fuckin' worries". Australian origin, naturally.

 

NUCLEAR FALLOUT: Fission chips.

 

NUGGET: A flash in the pan.

NYETSCAPE: Russian nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A girl that can only count up to sex.

OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for the neighbour's parakeet.

OBJECTIVITY: Agreement with the subjective bias of the prevailing consensus.

OBLIMENT: An obligatory compliment.

OCEAN: A body of water occupying two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.

OFFICE: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

OHNOSECOND: That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you have made a major blunder.

 

OLD-TIMER: Sundial.

OPERA: When a guy is stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

OPPORTUNITY: A favourable occasion for grasping a disappointment.

OPTIMISM: An English batsman applying sunscreen.

OPTIMIST: 1. He who reaches for the car keys in his pocket when an after-dinner speaker says, 'In conclusion......' 2. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. 3. A man who starts a crossword puzzle with a fountain pen. 4. A person who while falling from the Eiffel Tower says midway "See I am not injured yet."

ORAL SEX: The taste of things to come.

 

OREGANO: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.

OREGON: Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night.

ORIGINALITY: 1. The art of concealing your source. 2. Undetected plagiarism.

 

OSSIFY: To become Australian.

OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease.

 

OUT-OF-BOUNDS: A tired kangaroo.

OUTPATIENT: Person who has fainted.

OVERCOME: One who sleeps in the wet spot.

OVEREATING: What makes you thick to your stomach.

OVERWORK: A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.

 

OZONE: Region of alphabet between N and P.

PACIFIST: A guy who fights everybody but the enemy.

PAINTING: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

PANCAKE: 1. To end a relationship suddenly. 2. To break up with an individual without prior warning. 3. To get dumped by someone and remain clueless as to the reason.

PAPER CLIP: The larval stage of coat hangers.

PARADOX: Two very different physicians.

PARANOID: A man who knows a little of what's going on.

PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

PARENTS: People who use the “rhythm” method of birth control.

PARKING LOT: A place where arguments start from scratch.

PASCAL: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

PASSION: A good substitute for tangible skills.

PEARL HARBOUR: Cold weather. An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour" out there ie. there's a nasty nip in the air.

 

PATERNITY TEST: Pop quiz.

PATIENCE: A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

PATRIOTISM: 1. The willingness to kill or be killed for trivial reasons. 2. The last refuge of a scoundrel. 3. A virtue of the vicious. 4. The root cause of parades, wars and billowing clouds of rhetoric.

PEACE: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

PEBCAK: Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard."

PEDESTRIAN: 1. Someone who found a place to park. 2. A driver who thought there were a couple of gallons left in the tank.

PEEPING TOM: A perverted cat on stilts.

PEPPIER: The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

PERFUME: Premium-priced B.O. in a bottle.

PESSIMIST: 1. A person who has had to listen to too many optimists. 2. An optimist with experience. 3. One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both. 4. An optimist who tried to practice what he preached.

PETONIC: One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

PHILOSOPHER: 1. One who loves wisdom but whose love is usually unrequited. 2. A blind person in a dark room looking for a black hat that is not there. 3. A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

PHILOSOPHY: 1. Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. 2. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

PHOBOPHOBIA: The irrational fear and hatred of irrational fear and hatred.

PHONESIA: The affliction of dialling a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PICASSO BUM: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.

PICKLE: A cucumber soured by a jarring experience.

PIONEER: Early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PLANETS: Asteroids on steroids.

PLATEAU: A high form of flattery.

PLATITUDE: A thought that snores.

PLEA MARKET: A flea market where you have to beg for the lowest price.

PMS: Permissible Man-Slaughter.

PODESTRIAN: A person who can be spotted with the iconic white standard iPod earbuds in their ears.

POLITENESS: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

POLITAL CORRECTNESS: A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

POLITICIAN: An animal that can sit on a fence and keep both ears to the ground.

POLITICS: 1. A means of livelihood affected by the more degraded portion of our criminal classes. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantages. 2. The entertainment branch of industry. Poly = "many" + tics = "blood-sucking parasites"

POLYGON: Who left the cage door open?

POLYNESIA: Memory loss in parrots.

PONDER: To arrive at a stupid conclusion slowly.

POOHS: Open-sphincter farts, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking sonority; popular on buses; customarily unacknowledged.

POPPIN' HUNDIES: Spending big bills, such as hundred dollar bills.

POPULARITY: Glory's small change.

POSH MORTEM: Death styles of the rich and famous.

POSTAL: (or Going Postal): Euphemism for being totally stressed out, or losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

POTASH: All that's left after you smoke the joint.

POWER: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.

PRARIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a Cube Farm (see def.), and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

PRAYER: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.

PREGRET: The feeling of regretting something you're about to do anyway.

PRESCRIPTION: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.

 

PRINCE CHARMING: Reignbeau.

 

PRINTER: An electromechanical paper-shredding device.

PRISONER OF WAR: A man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.

PRIVATE SCHOOL: A sanctuary to which white liberals send their children so they can learn egalitarian principles in the company of other rich kids.

PROCTOLOGIST: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

PROFESSIONAL: 1. In personal ads, the most desirable sort of potential mate. 2. In the streets, a prostitute. 3. In the business world, see definition 2.

PROFESSOR: One who talks in someone else’s sleep.

PROFIT: An archaic word, no longer in use.

PROGRESS: What you get when each mistake is a new one.

PRO-LIFE: Valuing human life up until birth.

 

PROPAGANDA: A socially correct goose.

PROPERTY: The distinction between a whisky-drinking tramp and a champagne-guzzling millionaire.

PRUDENT: A man who believes ten percent of what he hears, a quarter of what he reads, and half of what he sees.

PRUNE JUICE: The breakfast for Runners.

PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL: One who knows what ‘pseudo’ means.

PSYCHIATRIST: 1. A person who pulls habits out of rats. 2. A man who doesn't have to worry as long as other people do.

PSYCHIATRY: The care of the id by the odd.

PSYCHOANALYSIS: Confession without absolution.

PSYCHOCERAMICS: The study of Crackpots.

PSYCHOLOGIST: A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters a room.

PULL: Word used to describe the successful act of attracting a person to such an extent that you would be able to 'snog' or perhaps even 'bone' them if you so desired.

PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

PURRANOIA: The fear that your cat is up to something.

PURRPETUAL: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.

PYRAMID: An organized pile of rocks.

PYTHONATE: That condition which befalls an individual who being engorged by the consumption of a large, rich or heavy meal, must recline that the meal may digest.

QCUMBERSOME: A salad that contains too many cucumbers.

 

QUADRUPTLETS: Four crying out loud!

QUAGMIRE: Any situation more easily entered into than exited from; e.g., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman.

QUALITY CONTROL: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.

QUANTUM MECHANICS: The dreams stuff is made of.

 

QUINTESSENCE: Chanel No.5

QWERT: 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. One thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. A painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. Person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert.

RACISM: 1. The snobbery of the poor. 2. Belief in the 100-yard dash.

RACIST: Anyone with a too-honest opinion of his differently hued neighbours.

RAISIN: A worried grape.

REAL TIME: Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.

REALLY GREAT SALESMAN: One who can make his wife feel sorry for the poor girl who lost her bra and panties in his car.

RECIPE: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog wouldn't eat.

RECTITUDE: The formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

 

RECURSIVE: See recursive.

REDNECK: 1. A person whose family tree doesn’t fork. 2. Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing one in person.

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

REGURGIMAILER: People who forward to everyone they know everything that lands in their in-boxes. Warnings about techniques that rapists use in parking lots; photos of adorable missing children; heart-warming lists of why women and their friendships are so wonderful; jokes about, well, everything.

REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

REJECTION: when your imaginary friends won't talk to you.

RELATIONSHIP: The civilized conversationalist uses this word in public only to describe a seafaring vessel carrying members of his family.

RELIABLE SOURCE: The guy you just met.

RELIEF MAP: A set of directions showing you how to get to the nearest outhouse.

REMF: Rear Echelon Mother Fucker. One who has no frontline or combat experience, and therefore makes huge errors at expense of human life, eg. Shit! That REMF cancelled the supply drop! We're on our own for this one!

REMOTE CONTROL:
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2½ minutes.

REPARTEE: The snappy comeback a person thinks of on the way home.

RESEARCH: Something that tells you a mule has two ears.

RESIDENT: Unable to leave.

RESIGN: A good thing to do when you are about to be kicked out.

RESPONDEZ S’IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you’re Scots.

RETAIL THERAPY: The act of shopping as an outlet for frustration and a reliever of stress.

RETIREMENT: Twice as much husband on half as much money.

RETROSHOPPING: To compare prices for an item after you've already purchased it.

REVOLUTION: In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.

RIDING: The art of keeping a horse between you and the ground.

RIGOR MORRIS: The cat is dead.

RISK: Twenty dollar hooker; year old condom.

ROAD: A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.

ROBOTS: Our steel collar workers.

ROCK ‘N ROLL: Persistence beyond the call of talent.

RODEO SEX: That's when you mount your wife doggy style and in the middle of having sex you bend over and whisper in her ear, "Your sister is tighter than you!" and then try to hold on for 8 seconds.

RONALD REAGAN: A triumph of the embalmer's art.

RUBBER BAND: Flexible musicians.

RURAL: Mud, hogs and badly cooked food.

SAFE CRACKER: One without tunafish on it.

SAINT: A dead sinner, revised and edited.

SALAD DODGER: An overweight person.

SALESMAN: A man with the ability to convince his wife she'd look fat in mink.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

SANDBOX: Middle Eastern nation, particularly one with a vast desert such as Iraq or Saudi Arabia.

SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

SCEPTIC: A person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it's a forgery.

SCHOOLTEACHER: A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

SCREWPULOUS: A conscientious, meticulous, thorough fuck.

SCRIPTURES: The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

SCROTUM: Small planet near Uranus.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

SBDFs: (Silent But Deadly Farts) Consistent with the Law of the Conservation of Energy, what an SBDF lacks in audible qualities is compensated for in semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism responsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing about suspiciously while exiting the room.

SECRET: Something you only tell to one person at a time.

SELF RESPECT: The secure feeling that no-one, as yet, is suspicious.

SEMINARS: From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.

SERENITY: That feeling of knowing your secretary will never tell either of your wives.

SEX: 1. The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 2. What comes after five. 3. An emotion in motion.

SHIN: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

SHOCK ART: The fashionable exhibition of carcasses, dung and other bodily effluvia as objects of aesthetic delight and inspiration.

SHOPPING: Retail therapy.

SHRINK RAP: A group of psychiatrists conversing.

SILENCE: The most perfect expression of scorn.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay at home with the kids.

SKIER: 1. Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them. 2. A person who jumps to contusions.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

SLAP YOUR PLASTICS: To insert contacts in your eyes.

SLEEP: A poor substitute for caffeine.

SLEEPING BAG: Nap Sack.

SLOPS: Severe Lack Of Power Syndrome.

SLUGFEST: An escargot cook-off.

SLURM: The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.

SMILE: 1. A curve that can set a lot of things straight. 2.To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human.

SMOREPLAY: What Smurfs do before they Smuck.

SNACKTREK: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

 

SNORING: Sheet music.

SOCIAL TACT: Making people feel at home when you wish they were.

SOCIOLOGY: The science with the greatest number of methods and the least results.

SODOMY: Special kind of fast growing grass.

SOPHISTICATION: The ability to yawn without opening your mouth.

SPIT OUT THE PLUMB, TO: (Australian) To abandon an English accent.

SPOKESMAN: A guy that likes to sleep with bicycles.

SPOUSE: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

SQUIRRELS: Nature’s little speed bumps.

SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

STANDARD & POOR (Investment house): My life in a nutshell.

 

STANDARD DEVIATION: A sexual activity formerly considered perverted but now universally practiced and accepted.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STATESMAN: A successful politician who is dead.

STATISTICIAN: Someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets between them.

STAND: Structure made for sitting.

STRANGERS: Friends you haven't bled for an easy twenty yet.

STRESS: 1. That confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it. 2. When you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

STRIPSY: The post-drunken, post-tipsy state at which the removal of clothing begins.

STUPID: Being unable to find your own butt in the dark.

STUPIDITY: 1. Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. 2. Letting the child with stomach flu sleep on the top bunk.

SUCCOTASH: Lima beans and corn, mashed together. Often concealed where one would least expect it, eg. on a dinner plate. Best eaten during full eclipses, power-outages and romantic dinners utilizing less than four candles.

SUIT OF ARMOR: A knightgown.

 

SUPERCONDUCTIVITY: Plight of the ohmless.

 

SURFER: Man overboard.

SURGEON: Doctor on the cutting edge.

SUSHI: Known to the rest of the world as 'Bait'.

SYNONYM: A word you use when you can't spell the other one.

SWAMP-DONKEY: A deeply unattractive person.

SWEETNESS AND LIGHT: Nobody's interested in sweetness and light.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TACT: The unsaid part of what you're thinking.

TAG HAG: A person who will only wear clothing that is hideously expensive and bears the 'right' tag or label in the belief that she (it is mostly she) is a better person for doing so.

TAKE: To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.

 

TANK: A means of transportation the Soviet army uses to visit its friends.

TART FUEL: Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by precocious young women.

TASTE:
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure it’s good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

TAXES: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can sometimes get an extension.

TEARS: 1. The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power. 2. Glum drops.

 

TECHNICOLOUR LAWN: The front yard after a rave party.

TEENAGER: God's punishment for enjoying sex.

TELECRASTINATION: The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

TELEVANGELISTS: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

TELEVISION: 1. The bland leading the bland. 2. A medium - so called because it is neither rare nor well done

TERMINAL ILLNESS: Getting sick at the airport.

TERRORISM: The nemesis of tourism.

TESTICLE: A humorous question on an exam paper.

TESTICULATE: To move one's hands and arms expressively while talking bollox.

TEXT MASSAGE: When one gets a text message when their phone is on vibrate. The phone vibrates and creates a massaging feeling in ones thigh, creating pleasure to the recipient.

TEXTSPECTATION: The anticipation one feels when waiting for a response to a text message.

TEXTUAL INTERCOURSE: The consummation of a relationship via SMS messages.

THESAURUS: Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

THINGY:
Female: Any part under a car’s hood.
Male: The strapfastener on a woman’s bra.

THIRD HAND ON A WATCH: Second hand.

 

TIME: That which tries to prevent everything happening at once.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour-saving devices of today.

TOOL UP: Grab your pistol; get your gun.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TRAILER PARKS: Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and tornadoes gravitate like flies to roadkill.

TRAMP STAMP: Tattoo on a female.

TRANSVESTITE: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

TREEWARE: Documents made of paper, in contrast to electronic documents.

TRIPIDATION: Fear of travelling.

TV: Chewing gum for the eyes.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

ULTIMATUM: In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.

UMFRIEND: A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan, my ... um ... friend."

UNWED MOTHER: One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, without the latter's talent for becoming invisible at will.

UPGRADE: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

VANQUISHED : Run over by a delivery vehicle.

VASECTOMY: 1. Never having to say you’re sorry. 2. The kindest cut of all.

VEGETARIAN: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".

VEGI-CURIOUS: One who is considering the vegetarian lifestyle, but has yet to make a commitment to it.

VENI, VIDI, VICE: I came, I saw, I partied.

VENI, VIDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I shopped.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

VULGARITY: The conduct of others.

VULNERABLE:
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

VUJA DE: The feeling you've never been here.

WAFFLE CRAPPER: A chick so hot that you wouldn't care if she walked up and crapped on your waffle. In fact, you'd probably welcome it.

WAL-MART: The nation-state, future tense.

WANNABE: In most cases, a Neverwill. One whose aspiration results in little more than perspiration.

WANTS & NEEDS:
Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
Male: Food, sex and beer.

WD55: An acronym for Windows Down 55 miles an hour. A primitive form of air condition most helpful to 60's and 70's Volkswagen Bug pilots.

WEDDING: A funeral where you smell your own flowers.

WEDDING RINGS: The world’s smallest handcuffs.

WELFARE: Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country can do for you.

WET ONES: (Farts aka Brewers' Farts, Grains and All, Fudgies, Playing Misty) Samples are accompanied by guttural, rasping or lisping sound, indicating vaporous content. Originator registers astonishment, dread, then usually departs, walking funny.

WHAMBULANCE: The imaginary rescue vehicle that will rescue you from someone's incessant whining over a trivial matter. Used mockingly, but in good humour.

WHITE: The colour of perpetual guilt.

WIDOW: A woman who knows where her husband is every night.

WIFE: A former sweetheart.

WILL: Dead giveaway

WILLY-NILLY: Impotent.

WITLAG: The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.

WINDOWS: Just another pane in the glass.

WINDOWS 98: the ultimate triumph of marketing over technology.

WIRELESS: The current technological preoccupation of those who spent the last decade getting wired.

WITHDRAWL: To remove money from a bank in Mississippi.

WITHOLDING EVIDENCE: Monica Lewinsky with inflated cheeks.

WOOFYs: Well Off Older Folks.

WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY: Too ugly to get a date.

X-CHROMOSOME: A line of genes that reproduces the female gender; a cause for war, small children that bite, the feminist movement, sexual harassment claims, Affirmative Action, Opra, and talking at 3:00am about "The future of this relationship."

X-RAY: A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

YAHOO: What you yell after selling your stock to some sucker at a hugely inflated price.

YANKEE: The same as a quickie, but you can do it by yourself.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

YORKSHIREMAN: A Scotsman with the generosity removed.

YOURNIVERSE: The entirety of creation that relates to one specific, narcissistic individual. Used to indicate that a particular person has knowledge only of him or herself - their universe consists only of them.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

Y-CHROMOSOME: A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, grubby toilet seats, clever inventions and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost.

ZEBRA: A horse that's escaped from prison.

ZERO DEFECTS: The result of shutting down a production line.

 

ZINC: Where you wash ze zaucepans.

ZIONISM: The problem of which it purports to be the solution.

ZONED OUT: Similar to daydreaming, zoning out usually involves obscure subject matter such as how toothpicks are made or what will happen when squirrels take over the world. Common among, but not limited to, those with attention deficit disorder.

ZOO: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.


 

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